101 Challenges:

Location: Goa, India

We’ve finally started to relax. We’re now into the Goa swing of things. Anything that would take 20 minutes to do back “home” takes 3 hours and 12 days here. The world of work, taxes, grey skies and wintery days are far behind us. There’s no need to know what time of day it is here. It’s either day or night. Simple.

Finally. Thankfully. Our bowel movements aren’t as scary as they were a week ago. Lindsay’s mentally erect over this little factor and once or twice, has even gone out to play “commando” style – a very risky gamble but, you’ve got to love his foolishly placed courage.

Note: We still do at least 17 jobbies a day – we promise you. We’re not sh*tting, it’s the truth! Great pun!

The two of us have relaxed so much that we’ve even stopped sucking our bellies in whilst on the beach.

Oh, forgot to mention... the fancy dress party was amazing. Lindsay went as “Joe” the cop from the Gaviscon advert (but everyone thought he was the gay police officer from the Village People). Lee went as a fairy/ballet dancer – for no apparent reason at all. He just likes to wear pink tu-tu’s and sparkly girly things. Makes him feel pretty. Great night... each of us got about 13 free drinks from a lot of lovely guys.

Since the party, we’ve had a few nights out but nothing too major. Firstly, because we’re lightweights. Secondly because we’re massively over our £20 a day budget. Thirdly because we have to write these bloody journals, update the site, and email everyone. Fourthly, because we have to prepare for the upcoming Challenges and Fifthly, because we’re starting to enjoy the romance that’s blossoming between us due to the constant close proximity of one another.

Oh, and Sixthly (if that’s a word) because when we do go out, we get up to stupid sh*t such as sucking the limbs of Amputees.

Not very politically correct – we know. But, bloody amazing photo! Thank God this guy had the same sick and twisted sense of humour as us or it could have been an awkward few moments of justifying why one brother was hanging off the lads arm by his mouth. Note to selves – must stop drinking.

Frank finally returned home yesterday. He’s walking a bit funny (like a cowboy) and complains that he can’t sit down comfortably. Anyways, he’s agreed to join us for a few beers tonight – but we’re having issues with the little fecker – we both know he’ll dump us the second he’s see’s a nice piece of ass.

It’s been a very, very, very dry holiday thus far for Lindsay and so, he’s desperate to hang out as much as possible with Frankie Boy in hope of the Gnome meeting two bints and one of them offering to do his “ugly pal”. One-for-the-team sort of sacrifice. Lee’s adamant that Lindsay’s virginity’s going to grow back – Frank won’t share any women! The whole reincarnation of Lindsay’s purity is a shared concern as we still don’t have any room in our luggage for any more items.

Mark comes out tomorrow and with him he’s bringing some essentials. Hair products for Lee and some porn for Lindsay. Looking forward to meeting the lad and getting dirty with him.

We’ve managed to organise the next three challenges (all to be done within the next 5 days). The one we’re looking forward to most is the Crazy Canyoning. The organiser, Emmanuelle, has bumped into us a few times over the past few days and keeps reminding us of the difficulty level we’ve opted for. He then laughs and walks off. Naturally, we’re now getting a bit scared. But as the old saying goes “You’ll never grow taller if you don’t stretch”.

Lee’s seen a film called “Emmanuelle” and really recommends it. He can’t remember much about it but recalls it loosely being about canyoning – big holes, lots of wetness and deep crevices.

We went for a meal the other night in a Mexican joint. Rather obviously, we now recommend going to Mexican joints in Mexico – certainly not India. Halfway through our “Chicken Burger” meal – which tasted like chicken but looked like beef which isn’t eaten here, we got a bit confused and worried at what the hell we were putting in our mouths.

So, Lindsay farted and a little turtle head popped out, faster than the speed of light he ran to the “toilets”. These were unisex ones but that’s irrelevant to this story. If not faced with the dilemma of crapping himself or the confusion of how to wipe his bum, Lindsay can always find a problem in everything. Anything and absolutely everything!

In most places here the toilet is a simple hole in the ground (we’ll show you some pictures later) and beside said (literally) sh*t-hole, there are foot mats. The idea is, you go in, turn round, crouch, aim, fire, skoosh bum or whatever and then fill a jug of water up and wash the reminants of whatever’s left away down the holes slightly angled pipe.

With absolutely no training whatsoever. With no preparations, rehearsals or practice. No diagrams or pictorial illustrations. Lindsay miraculously managed to successfully do the above.

So? Well, remember, Lindsay has a girl's name – it’s no coincidence that he acts like one too. But we were both amazed out of our minds when Lindsay’s poop landed in the centre of the hole. Is it natural instinct? How can someone who’s never “aimed” their number 2’s look at a spot and hit it? We think it’s beginners luck but Lindsay’s determined to hold onto his jobbies until he finds another hole and prove he’s a sharp pooper-shooter.

To quickly change the subject (as we always do) has anyone ever heard pigs having sex? We’ll we have. Right now, we’ve had to stop writing as the ear-rupturing screaming noises coming from one of the many piggies behind out co-co-hut is gut wrenching. Apparently a pig's orgasm lasts 20 minutes. We both agree on this little piece of wisdom but, for the life of us, can’t remember how the hell we came to possess it.

On the 8th, Lindsay got bored of listening to Lee’s constant bitching about his sore feet, legs, knees, fingers, back and head and so, he hired a scooter and went on a Littlest Hobo adventure all by himself. Lee was a bit worried here as it was inevitable that Lindsay would either die, get kidnapped, get lost or lose a limb at the very least.

To both our surprises, he didn’t. Instead, Lindsay strapped a camera to his front and travelled throughout this little corner of Goa on a “Long Way Down” kind of replica. He gave out a few football shirts to some local kids and after a 2 hour detour (he did actually get lost) he finally found his way back to the safe confines of his older brother's arms.

 

Since arriving in India, Lee’s been a bit accident prone. Every injury inflicted on his person is always to the delight of Lindsay – who’s usually the clumsy bugger of the two of us. It’s a nice little bit of role-reversal this time round – with Lee even throwing and catching a Frisbee on the beach like a 4 year old girl. Lindsay can catch now – which makes him feel all butch and manly. Bump after bump, scratch after scratch, cut after cut – the injuries just kept on coming.

Well, on the 9th of this month, we finally had to visit the local hospital due to a huge boulder hitting a big toe and smashing it. Yep, you’ve guessed it. Lindsay!

To be fair though, it wasn’t his fault. We met a lad by the name of Raj who’s travelled from London over to India on his own. Being the caring and nice people we are, we took him under our wing and thought it would be nice to take him out for a day.

Never speak to strangers. Best slogan ever – and we decided to ignore it. We went out and about to beaches and hills near to Palolem on our little mopeds. Lee spotted a banana plantation and we all thought it would be nice and frilly to go and pick one of the yellow fruits.

Lindsay (who all day, and for reasons unknown, thought he was a Panda Ninja – with a sarong tied round his head) went over a little cobbled wall which separated the trees from the dirt track we had been riding.

Once on the other side, the polite gentleman extended a helping hand of friendship back over the wall to his accepting brother and aided Lee in climbing the wobbly construction. Determined to make the Karma Gods favour him in ventures to come, Lindsay then offered a further hand to Raj. The clumsy b*stard.

Subsequently, a rock the size of 3 rugby balls and weighing about the same as a Fiat Punto with 4 chubby girls inside, fell and demolished Lindsay’s left foot.

Lindsay was convinced (as per his usual hypochondriac self) that his toe was broken, that disease would surely set in, and this would lead to a tightening of his arteries and onto a full blown heart attack. With 18 pints of blood already lost from the huge gash, he was certain that death was innament.

The maddest dash you have ever seen to hospital then took place. The Doctor told us that the toe isn’t broken, there are no diseased areas of the foot, a heart attack is very unlikely and there is little or no chance of death. Lindsay has since had seven, second-opinions and is now seeking his eighth.

So, Lepracy and all, Lindsay and Lee headed off this morning for a Yoga lesson with Raja, a teacher based at “Neptunes Point” in Palolem (we highly recommend this bloke). If you’ve seen “Fonejacker” then think of a yoga master who says “Heartbeatings better than your current beatings” – if you’ve not seen it and you’re reading this online – go to youtube and type in “fonejacker dealings” – brilliant!

Jesus – how the hell can stretching and breathing make you sweat your balls off? We were saturated and we only had a 30 minute lesson. That’s all we need though. Being the geniuses that we are, we now fully understand the history, the reasons, the techniques and the benefits of every type of yoga and are now fully loaded with the Zen required to take on our Yoga Yarn Challenge next week.

A few days back, we decided that we would take a break from the beach and headed off to a quiet area where we could focus our minds. Lee sat and read Russell Brand’s autobiography (which is funny apparently) whilst Lindsay headed off to some rocks – pen and notebook in hand.

One of our Challenges is to write a song, another is to make a music video and a further one is to create a dance. We’re going to combine all three and so, Lindsay went on his “I wanna be James Blunt” inspiration search and perched his rather moist buttocks on a huge rock (similar in size to what Raj the twat dropped on his left foot)

Lindsay was alone with the World. Surrounded only by the calming sounds of waves softly tickling the rocks below him. Distant silhouettes of local fishermen working away quietly and in harmony. The stunning images of hawks circling in the wonderous clear blue skies above. Even a wild monkey running no more than 10 feet past him in all it’s magnificence and natural glory. The perfect scene was set and he was ready to write a masterpiece.

Naturally, Lindsay being Lindsay, all the above failed to inspire him to create a beautiful and harmonious song that would make people stop whatever they were doing and phone a loved one they had lost contact with.

Instead, Lindsay came up with a Pineapple song and a Fruit Dance. We love it!