101 Challenges:

After finishing the last journal at silly o'clock in the morning, we finally hit the sack for what was only to be 3 hours of sleep. Luckily, it turned into 4. This is due to Lee's alarm going off several times and him repeatedly refusing to acknowledge its existence. Lindsay would have complained and moaned like a premenstrual moody bird, had it not been for the fact that he set his alarm for 9am. UK Time.

Lee's now taken all the credit for us only sleeping in by an extra hour, compared to the five-and-a-half hours Lindsay would have cost us.

We've had a very busy morning. We've been all over the place checking for the ideal location to complete our Varanassi Heartburn Challenge. This Challenge involves us recreating a famously annoying UK telly ad for a well known heartburn remedy. You'll all know it - it's the one with that dancing traffic cop.

Eventually, we found the perfect place - one scary as hell junction near Nagar in Mumbai. Over the last three days, whilst traveling in Mumbai by means of taxi or tuc-tuc, we've held hands, prayed and even considered having one last sexual experience together* as we suffered numerous premonitions of an early on the thousands of near crashes - when we were certain our lives were sure to end.

[* Note that the above reference to sexual experience means generally and not one last sexual experience with each other.]

Yes, we have held hands before, hugged and perhaps even shared the odd smooch but nothing more intimate.

So, onto the Challenge. The first one we've completed! Woohoo, Yippee, Cowanbunga and Booyackasha!

Lindsay donned a full American Traffic Cop costume - The hat, the badge, epaulettes, white gloves and black trousers that even Lee would have struggled to fit into. We were glad that no crouching moves were involved in this Challenge. We're sure the locals were too!

We then headed to the aforementioned junction and set geared up - preparing cameras, shooting areas and a quick rehearsal. This provided much entertainment to the on looking and bewildered crowd which was growing by the minute. That's one thing you have to love about the Indians (apart from their feathers and bow and arrows) they warm to everyone they meet - even warmer to two mad Scotsmen about to risk life and limb on a dangerous and foolish (and let's face it) rather pointless Challenge. Or, they were gathering in a mob-like-force to steal everything we were wearing and carrying? We prefer to take the nicey-trusty approach to life and trusted that they were there to see what the hell was going on. Our Karma thinking was spot on!

We each dashed to our respective positions in the middle of the road like "Frogger" - the 80's arcade game. Just like the little frog, we were missed by mere inches as the cars seemed to speed up and aim directly for what surely would have looked like two twats! The sad thing is - we don't have three lives like everyone's little green friend in the game.

So Lee plonked himself at one side of the junction, camera, tripod and hands clasped together in prayer. Lindsay then ran for his dear life - faster than the physics and principles of aerodynamics should allow for his bulky frame.

Lights (green traffic lights) Camera (Lee recording with one eye on Lindsay and the other on the 4522 fast approaching vehicles from every direction). And so it began.

Lindsay performed his dance routine to perfection. You would have thought that he'd prepared for this moment, all his life. Obviously, two Summers at the Ginger Rogers School of Dance were well worth the money.

We left the junction after take 7. Lindsay insisted that the challenge had to include the "Moonwalk" and everyone's favourite, "The Robot". We would much rather have preferred to leave after take 1, but that's showbiz for you.

We then hired a tuc-tuc to film a few other shots of the video and here is the final result; 

Not as true to form as the original, but we think better. Remember, we had to buy the complete outfit, travel 4000 miles carrying it all and then risk our lives - all for 30 seconds of amusement.

After the Challenge, it was a 90 minute taxi drive into Mumbai Centre where we planned to board a bus for a grueling 13 hour bus trip to Goa.

On our first trip to India, we had dinner at a lovely little restaurant in one of the side streets near to Central Train Station - Victoria Terminus. After what must obviously had been a rather hot curry Lindsay had to run (or jog) to the little boys room. Following on from  runny-bummy, he found to his complete horror that there was no toilet paper. Now, as he see's it, there were three opportunities to resolve this problem that were available to him;

1) Remove his trousers and thereafter, his boxer shorts. However, to use these as an Andrex substitute, would possibly cause more problems than fixing the current one;

      a) Would he really want to waste a pair of £85 Prada Pants by wiping his ass with them and;
      b) Flushing these away could potentially lead to flooding the restaurant and, how the hell could he explain that to an angry mob of disgruntled staff and customers alike.

2) Use his hands to remove any "excess baggage" from his bum - rather than spending the remaining 20 days of the 21 day holiday washing his upper limbs with soap, detol, bleach and ajax.

3) Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze and then shake, shake, shake until he was 130% sure that no poop was clinging to him.

Lindsay went for option 2. He then returned to the restaurant floor, and after explaining to Lee that he has technically fingered his own ass, Lee, after the inevitable 8 minute non-stop fit of hysterical laughter, disbelief and sheer bewilderment, walked Lindsay back to the boys room and explained that throughout the majority of Asia, the people use a mini-shower-hose to skoosh their bums clean after doing a jobby.

Fearing that a single rain drop of India water could cause him Delhi-Belly, there was no way in hell that Lindsay was ever going to to flood his anus with bucket loads of the stuff. For the rest of that trip, Lindsay never once used that sphincter shower, instead choosing to block every toilet he ever used - not with boxer shorts, but with bulk loads of sand-paper-like toilet roll he'd stocked up on.

Lee on the other hand, loved the jobby-jet-sprayer. Even using it when not needing to or not having to do a poop. Much to his great disappointment, you can't buy these at home in any retail shops or on specific pervy websites.

Anyhoo, back to the point. We both visited the same restaurant again today. After just 3 days in Mumbai we were both nervous of farting - should it lead to the presence of an unexpected guest in our pants. Normally we'd never complain - but if you've ever had Delhi-Belly or food poisoning, you'll know that pumps should only ever be released whilst hovering over a toilet seat.

It was 7pm and our 13 hour bus journey to Goa leaves at 8 - but we were to meet at a designated rendezvous point at 7:30. Wisely, we both had a light dinner (through fear of crapping ourselves on said bus which doesn't have a toilet). 7:20pm came and after we thanked the staff, we picked up our 25kg backpacks and 18kg rucksacks and ran for bus (Lindsay jogged)

Somehow, Lindsay was in front of Lee (we don't know how either!) when he abruptly stopped with a tear in his eye, a face as white as snow and with an expression of pure horror, he screamed out "Lee, I've just sh*t myself!)

Apparently, Lindsay had a little trouser burp whilst hurrying for the bus and quite little a whole lot of crap happened straight afterwards. As comforting and nurturing as always, Lee, the older, wiser, caring and loving brother stopped too... and pissed himself laughing.

There's always two sides to every story;

Bus story 1 - The most excruciating embarrassing, uncomfortable and sickening 1 mile run of Lindsay's life.

Bus story 2 - The most hilarious 1 mile run of Lee's life (albeit with the slight discomfort of being behind Lindsay and suffering a slightly whiffy smell.

The 13 hour bus trip went well though. Well, until Lee woke Lindsay up at about 3am with the words "I need to spoon you". He alleged that he was cold and so, proceeded to cuddle up into his snuggly brother and wrapped his arms around him. It was very cramped so Lindsay's not complaining.

What's worrying us now is, we were both wearing kilts and had our 101 t-shirts on. To any shocked and understandably confused observers, it may have looked like we were promoting a transvestite-incest-porn-site.

The journey ended at 9:15am and as Lindsay's bag was hurled from the bus and onto the ground we both observed the first cracks in our journey - more so, the first rips.

The kitchen sink has torn through the bottom of Lindsay's bag and so, we now have to get the bag repaired. Other problems are, the webernet here is slow - even Lindsay runs faster. To put it into context, a web page takes longer to load, that it takes Lee to do his hair (22 minutes). So, uploading and maintaining the website is going to be nigh-on-impossible.

Tonight is Hogmany and we're going to bring in the new year in true Scottish style - Kilts, Alcohol, Beach and all... Stay tuned - the next journal should be great (if we can remember it)