101 Challenges:

Location: Chaing Mai, Thailand

Another Challenge for Lee to display some bravado and for Lindsay to squeal like a girl. Both of us were dressed in kilts and as true Scotsmen we were going to be attempting a 70 metre bungy. This was to be done a mere 45 minutes after the petrifying experience of having Satan's serpents thrown on us.

With Lee having done this before but not with bearing his crown jewels and Lindsay being terrified of everything but food... would we succeed?

Ian, the owner of the Jungle Bungy camp told us that the worst thing a person can do is needlessly go to the top of the bungy tower and then come back down. One of us had to go up to watch the other jump or not jump - then had to come back down to go all the way back up again. Let us tell you this, looking up - 70 metres looks like a hop, skip and jump distance from the ground - easy. However, looking groundwards from 70 metres high makes that almost-certain-death leap look like a fall from a cruising Boeing 747 across the Atlantic.

One of us went home with a burst blood vessel in his eye and the other feeling sick. Use your imagination here. Needless to say though, it was fun for one and petryfying for the other.

Location: Chaing Mai

On the 28th February we embarked on a 12 hour bus trip from Bangkok northwards. Suprisingly, this bus journey went against the grain of our travel experiences so far. Although we were separated in our seating arrangements, Lee landed on his feet by being placed next to a nice blonde English gal. He was happy. Lindsay sat next to another Lee, not brother Lee - but Ozzy Lee. A nice and friendly Australian lad who despite being genuinely nice and good, refused to spoon him throughout the night. We, brilliantly, managed to sleep on this trip - all-be-it for 3 of those 12 hours.

Anyhoo, the first time Lindsay ever heard his older brother scream like a 7 year-old school girl at a Spice Girls reunion concert came on the 29th February, 2007 at approximately 12:17 pm. We were now in Chaing Mai in the north of Thailand.

More specifically, we were at the Mae Sa Snake Farm, minding our own business when the manager invited us to climb over a big wall and into a pit. Foolishly, we took up the kind offer and within a matter of mili-seconds, we both had at least 5 snakes around each of our heads.

The snakes were then piled and piled upon our head, neck and shoulders but not our knees or toes. If we had been wearing lipstick, eye gloss, and mascara we would have surely have looked like Medusa.

The challenge was to see how many snakes we could have put on us before we freaked out. Well that number for both of us was one but we did stay in there a lot longer. Again one of us surpassed the other one. There was no dignity in it, the screaming like a girl at the aforementioned Spice Girl concert being displayed by both of us from the moment of entry into that pit.

Surprisingly, snakes smell like... fish. 

We met our two trainers who were to teach us all that would be necessary to get in the ring and fight each other in a battle to the death. Well not quite, but 3 rounds at 2 minutes each felt like a fight to the death, especially to Lee who thought a good kicking was about to befall his weakling body.

Both of us were wary of fighting each other. Lindsay thinking how bad he would look if Lee got a lucky punch or kick in. Lee because he thought his pretty little girly featured head would be deformed by a punch from a big brute of a man who’s training had gone to his head. He was so pumped up he was shouting “I’m gonna rip your head off, Lee 'Pretty Face, Please Don’t Hit Me' Vine, I’m gonna beat you up".

With training over and Lee feeling slightly more confident due to Mr Thai Boxer (1953-68) showing him devastating moves of attack, we entered the ring. Lindsay started prancing about practising his attacking and defensive manoeuvres much to the anguish of Lee who realised he'd missed one important factor in training. No defensive training had been taught and, although he could attack, he had no idea of how to stop his pretty little face from being hit.

If you're into Mai Thai - then don't read on - we desecrated it. If though, you ever want to meet the nicest people this earth has to offer, then go to the Mai Thai Institute in Bangkok. The whole day (welcoming, training, equipment and even the ring to ourselves) was put on for free. We offered some cash as a gesture of thanks but the staff declined, and we weren't going to argue with someone who could decapitate any one of us with his little pinky finger;


                                                                                                   
The bell rang and it was fight time. We both made a gentleman’s agreement before even getting to the gym that there were to be no elbows or punches to the face, neither of us knowing if the other one would stick to it. We hoped that if we mutually obeyed this, then neither of us would end up looking like the elephant man for a couple of weeks. However, being brothers and equally conniving, we knew one of us would break this agreement.

Within 4 seconds of round one, Lee, conveniently, forgot the above and smacked Lindsay square in the face with a right hook.

“Is that so?” Lindsay thought and managed a rather polite “Good Punch Bro”. Within the next 4 seconds and for the remainder of the fight all hell broke loose in the ring and a brawl commenced - much to the dissapointment of all the staff who looked after us that day - we had turned this ancient and elegant art into a street fight - pulling hair, biting and scratching.

Every tactic and training method we had learned earlier that day went out of the window. 3 rounds of mayhem ensued. The result remains a secret but let’s just say it was an amazing fight. The adrenalin was pumping so much that we did not feel the punches or kicks in pain but by how loud they sounded and how much our bodies crumpled.

There could be only one winner. That winner was announced and he rejoiced until the loser pointed out the consequence of victory...

Biatch Fight

The brother who won the fight got to go on and fight a girly boxer. Well, we say girlie boxer but she is a professional lady boxer so we say girlie here hoping she will never ever read this. We, unfortunately, never got her name, but she was brilliant! Totally up for the fun of the day and smacked a few good punches and kicks to the head of one of us.

This was perhaps a bit unfair due to the fact she used both hands and her legs, the one of us had one of his hands tied behind his back and wasn't allowed to kick or knee, or headbutt or pull out a weapon. But we are both hard Scottish lads and although we would never hit a girl this was no ordinary girl. She was like that girl from Street Fighter that does spinning upside down kicks - Chun Li? So knowing this we were allowed to and more so importantly, expected to fight. The result is too gory to document here.

And here we are with the folk at the Institute, the girl looks amazing - great smile, gorgeous eyes and perfect teeth, but look at the size of her - she could easily eat us for breakfast, thankfully she was a nice spirited soul;

The day was great and it was also helping us get into shape for our Temple Bodies challenge. Talking of which Lee has continued to work reasonably hard and Lindsay says he has a master plan.

In his life-long and futile quest of losing weight and fiting into a size 30 pair of trousers, Lindsay decided to go to stick a water pump where the sun doesn't shine, although he'll tell you it shines directly from here. Yes, he went for Colonic Irrigation.

Lee was disturbed, sickened and yet still amused enough to take a couple of pics at his happy go lucky brother. Lindsay had thought this would be an ideal weight loser for the Temple Bodies challenge but, much to his sheer anger and dissapointment, he actually put on an ounce.

       

This (yet again) stupid idea of Lindsay's was carried out Carlsberg Hospital in Bangkok. We call it Carslberg Hospital because Carlsberg don't do hospitals but if they did they'd be the best in the world... definitely.

98.2% of the staff were female. All within the 18-31 age range. All amazingly stunning and more imprtantly, 34% of them were flying around the wards on... wait for it... roller blades. Try and picture this, you're waiting with your brother to have a straw stuck up a bum hole and all around you are beautiful women floating around in mini skirts and roller blades - if only we were allowed to take pictures - we'd never have left.

Girls – we feel your pain. In preparation for the Ladyboy Tea Party, we both opted for a full body wax. Now, dedication to completing a Challenge it may be, but it’s also one of the stupidest things we’ve done too.

For the next 3-4 months, we’ve got to explain to anyone who passes us – why our bodies are smoother than a baby’s bum. Back home, it would be simple. We’d just say that we wanted to host a ladyboy tea party and wanted to look our best. In Thailand, it’s not as straightforward as that. Firstly, we share a room. Secondly, we both have the same surname. Now, add these two factors together and then take a second glance at our unnaturally smooth legs and arms and it gets a bit too tricky to try and explain that we’re brothers and not married to each other.

We found a great little beauty salon and so the journey through the pain barrier begun. Never having seen this, or any other type of wax, other than candle or ear before, we were amazed at how it worked, the temperature that it has and the pain such a small strip can cause a man. Again respect to all you girls.

Putting our hearts and souls (the soul that felt it was being ripped from our bodies) we told them to go for it. No place was to be left undone, well apart from the Mankini lines, that bridge would be crossed later. First the legs, then the arms, the back and then the chest and we arrived at the metaphorical bridge.

Lee went first. The torturers, just moments earlier known to us as the staff, went in for the kill. The Mankini line was being done. Never before had Lee screamed so loudly and wanted to hit an innocent person as he did as the pubic line was taken in closer and closer. Eventually he demanded they stop and looked down to see Charlie Chaplins moustache looking back up at him. He considered for a miniscule second if it would be better to have it fully removed then even quicker decided that the pain was not worth the outcome. And besides, who else would be looking at this part of him.

Lindsay then followed with as much screaming as Lee but his time in the torture cell took a few minutes longer. Everybody in the near vicinity had heard about our antics and had come down to stand and listen to Lindsay getting a good waxing. Lee now recovering slightly enjoyed a damn good laugh too.

Lindsay appeared declaring the worst parts of it. It was then Lee explained he had a Charlie Chaplin and Lindsay declared he had a Hollywood front and back. Lindsay is now jealous of Lee’s Chaplin and Lee is not one bit jealous of Lindsay’s Kojak.

Nearly 5 hours of excruciating agony later, we left Audeys Beauty Salon. The staff were amazing, even if they had too much of a great time pissing themselves laughing at our pain threshold (zero).

So girls, and some guys, if you ever have the need to de-hair your entire body or just parts of it - go here and mention us. You won't get any discount, but at least it'll be an ice-breaker to a nice conversation;

Audy Beauty Salon
Vientai Hotel, 42 Rambuttree Road
Banglampoo
Bangkok 10200

So, physically prepared, but forever mentally scarred, it was time to meet our mentors Oil and X and buy some clothes and makeup for our party. These were two sexy ladies and what a pleasure it was to meet them. They were totally down to earth, eager to help transform us into ladies and were totally upfront and open about ladyboy life in Thailand.

So 3 hours of shopping later and clothes, high heels and makeup were purchased. It's now totally understood and appreciated by us why it takes women so long to shop. Mainly, because womens clothes are so much cheaper than man cloth and also because women have a choice of items which out numbers men's choices 100918328322 to 1. We only have the option of trousers or shorts, shoes or trainers, t-shirts or jumpers. Women have high heels, low heels, no heels, long skirts, short skirts, leggings, tights, suspenders, blouses, t-shirts, gowns, dresses, accessories galore and a million other options.

Exhausted, we thanked the girls and told them we were going to get ready and we'd see them at the party. Each were given a kiss on the cheek goodbye. It made us happy?

So with a quick stop on the way to pick up cakes for the party, we finally arrived at K and Natasha’s apartment - the party venue (on the rooftop, with a pool, overlooking Bankgok's amazing skyline of huge buildings and bustling streets).

We applied our own makeup quite quickly and with reasonable success. Obviously the practice we've had has helped improve our techniques and we're now comfortable enough to openly discuss brush types and shades to best suit our skin with anyone whose unfortunate enough to be close enough to listen.

And so to the party…

We had decked the roof top pool area with pink balloons, table clothes and chairs. We had put on a lovely spread with delicious cakes, tea and even champagne. Oil and X had brought another few friends and they loved what we had put on.

We all engaged in a lovely tea chat which was delightful and very lady-like. We even played some games with the girls, ate and drunk wholeheartedly and then had a beauty pageant in which the girls had to decide which of us made the best ladyboy.

After the party which we thought went swimmingly well, there was only one thing for it... a pool party!

At one point around this stage we had a little boat journey on a river in Bangkok. It was so beautiful and calm and the views were amazing. Lee and Lindsay sang and dance their way off the boat as they were so happy. Mark didn't want to sing or dance and infact looked a bit white. Apparently, our producer friend doesn't like boats - especially boats that float along water. Here's a little picture to show our concern;

Lee had been here before in 2002 and so, recommended the place as it was run by Monks. We even did a bit of forum searching and writing on the Lonely Planet’s Thorntree (an essential website for any would-be backpacker) and although there were some mixed reviews, we decided to go here anyhow.

On arriving at the zoo-like entrance, we were quickly and abruptly told by one of the security guards that we couldn’t film anything on our camcorder and were requested to leave our tripod at the main gate as this was not permitted inside the place. Thank God for that – we looked like stupid-and-overzealous-happy-snappers with that thing. The thing that confused us was, we were told to put the camcorder in our bag. It was nice meeting those forever trusting security guards.

Anyhoo, after a 15 minute walk in the roasting sun and unbearable humidity, we arrived at the tigers.

To say that these massive and gorgeous creatures were amazingly stunning in all their glory, majesticly gracious in their prideful walks, and overwhelmingly beautiful as they watched us approach… would be a complete lie.

The Monks had all but dissapeared – but they left one behind – he was obviously a unsociable Monk or smelled, or, he was the kid that never got picked for football at playtime. But he did have friends – apart from the tigers, he had about 20 human friends. All dressed in illumonous green t-shirts (the public are not allowed to enter the tiger temple with any bright coloured clothing and so, have to purchase some over priced baige and cream shirts/trousers etc - are the tigers colourblind now?) and the majority of the sales peeps were speaking with rather annoying North American sales-men/women voices trying to claw an extra 1000 Baht out of our pockets for a professional (the loosest and most innapropriate sense of the word professional ever) picture with the tigers.

The tigers (in our opinion – for legal reasons) were out of their furry faces – they were sedated like nothing we’ve ever seen. Even Lindsay, after copious amounts of alcohol and no sleep for 5 days has more life in him.

Simply. We were disgusted.

Queues of at least 150 people built up as we were leaving. That meant that the furry pussy's had to endure non-stop petting and prodding for hours on end. A pure shame.

If we can stop one person from visiting this appalling place and further funding this joke of a circus just by reading these comments, then we’ll be forever happy.

We did however, tickle a tiger. Maybe it was a good thing that they were all drugged up (our opinion) because it would have been a nightmare if the pussy we tickled was tickly and took umbridge to our gesture of belly rubbing.

There were around 10 tigers in all. Some bigger than others, some more “tired” looking than others, but all were pretty much just lying there getting picture after picture taken. For us this was not a pretty sight, even if we were now part of it.

We got a picture taken and a video with our smuggled in camera which the guides took without complaint and videoed the action for us. If anything the footage shows why you should probably not go to this sort of place. That’s one good thing we can take away with us. The other, we did indeed complete a Challenge. Even if it was not in the manner we had expected.

On a lighter note though, Frank met a nice Monk who has a few tiger cubs. Our little gnome buddy sat down for a chat and gave his opinion to the Monk on the sanctuary and what changes could be made for the better.

Apparently they are opening a tiger Island in the sanctuary where the tigers can roam free without chains. Frank said this was a great idea. He just hopes that certain tigers will not be taken off Tiger Island for the tourists to continue to snap away every afternoon.

After the shower we headed out for dinner. This was dinner with a big difference. We went to a local food stall at the side of a road and sampled the offerings. I’m a Nobody Get Me Out Of Here Challenge had come round and we both looked on, sick to our stomach’s, with fear and revulsion. Our worst nightmare had arrived. Only this was a living nightmare and no matter how much we pinched ourselves we did not wake up, in bed, spooning.

There, before us, lay dinosaur-like insects that had been deep fried. Now, us Scottish like pretty much anything deep fried - Mars Bars, Pizza, Ice-Cream, Banana's etc.

When insects fly at us we either, bat them with our hands (as a total last resort - if a huge newspaper isn't nearby) as far as possible, scream, run or mostly a combination of all 3. Although we know they're scary and what they generally look like, nothing could prepare us for looking directly into their beady eyes, sharp claws, hairy legs, and other such gruesome features that only become clear on close inspection. We don't like seeing them, never mind having to touch them and certainly not having to see them, grab them and stick them in our mouths.

We selected various amounts of creatures and we started to eat, mmmmmm yummy, not! Only the Silk Worms didn’t taste bad (bad being used in the loosest term - . They tasted a bit crispy, but nothing really - perhaps, to best describe them, a bit airy. The others just got worse and worse. We started with the small things and kept the delicious bigger things for last. Each mouthful nearly induced a vomiting episode from each of us. Some bugs exploded with juice, others were hard to bite but all were horrible. It was near impossible to get your brain to allow your throat to swallow them.

The last two items were the worst. Second from desert was a Scorpion. Yes a big black and spikey Scorpion. The tail was removed for us by the chef (the word chef used loosely too) and so too were the pincers and all we needed to do now was chew, chew, chew. We do not recommend that anybody volunteers for this. Again this is pointless and certainly no fun was being had by anyone - us, Mark (who in an evil-like way smiled throughout the entirity of the filming) the onlookers and the stall owner - who was now very pissed at us deterring business from her only means of earning a living.

And so to the crème de la crème, a beautiful, succulent, divine piece of meat. The giant cockroach. All we will say is that we both attempted this with each of us suffering huge gagging fits and one having a bit more success than the other.

Challenge completed, thank the heavens and again, like 76.42% of the idiotic things we're doing - please don’t try this at home - it's stupid. There is no need for man, or woman and anything in between other than birds and lizards to ever have to resort to eating beasties. Even if you were unfortunate enough to find yourself stranded on a deserted island after miraculously surviving a plane crash - eat your arm - it's probably easier to stomach.

Today we completed a hard day’s work. We say work but it wasn't and we say hard but it was fun really, for the most part of it. Lee thinks the day couldn’t have gone better but Lindsay is not quite so sure.

Live by the dice, Die by the dice. This was the only rule we had to abide by on the the 20th of February. Yep, it was the Day of the Dice Challenge.

We really should have prepared for this Challenge in more than one way. Firstly, it’s a tad difficult to find a shop here in Bangkok that sells dice. Being the tight Scottish buggers that we are, we weren’t going to fork out some unnecessary spenditure on a board game that comes with free dice (such as backgammon or snakes and ladders) so we opted to hunt for 2 hours the previous night for some die (is that how to spell the plural?). Secondly, as per below, using muscles that we would never have cause to use, ever, meant that we really should have had a 2 hour warm up at least.

This Challenge had simple rules. Roll a dice and whatever number came up we had to do something that was predetermined by Daniel Gaffney who had given us the task.

So the die were rolled until sunset with us performing ridiculous and somewhat pointless actions/consequences. But like us, Daniel believez that most of the funny things you can do are pointless and ridiculous, so we jumped in with both feet and threw the numbered cubes.

The first roll was thrown and so the numbers dictated that we were to Leap Frog each other from one end of the street to the other. Thankfully we were in quite a short road and the journey should'nt take too long.

Unfortunately for us though, we were on the Khoa San road in Bangkok (perhaps the most famous street in the city) so the embarrassment factor was high, but if the truth be told - this didn't bother us.

The street was mobbed and we couldn't hop in a straight line as we had to avoid Tuk-Tuks, taxis, people and stalls. That said, it was the perfect setting and we're positive that this must have been a first - even in this mad road. People, quite rightly, didn't have a clue why we were doing such a thing and the locals were even more bemused but, everyone was laughing their heads off. Great challenge but we were knackered and extremely sore using muscles we never use.

Tip : You must stretch before Leap Frogging down streets.

The best thing to come from this though was, for the rest of our stay on the Koh (or Kho - we don't know how to spell it as you can see) nearly every stall owner, shop worker or street merchant knew us as the "Jumpers" and shook our hands wherever we went. Our first taste of stardom. We would have loved it, but we ached too much everywhere to even care.

Another favourite dice roll from the day involved jumping on the first passing bus. Sounds a bit boring but not if you have to start playing Hide and Seek whilst the vehicle's in motion. Lee hid first and moved into an empty seat by the window covering his face with the curtain. Knowing this was not enough cover, he talked a Thai lady from the seat behind to sit beside him to hide him more. Again the locals were full of bewilderment at these mad men they had encountered. It took ages for Lee to be found and he even managed to hide from the bus conductor during this time. It was a good hiding spot.

Next up it was Lindsay. His approach was much simpler. He headed down near the front and crawled into a baby like position and closed his eyes with the foolish impression that if he could not see Lee then Lee would surely not see him. Sadly for Lindsay, Lee seen his big butt sticking in the air from almost the far end of the bus and a hefty slap to it ended this particularly fun game and so we departed at the next stop.

A lot more numbers were rolled and just as it was getting dark, we had to wrestle each other. The loser was decided by tap out and (as per below) that loooooooooooser had to do a forfeit. The fight went well until one brother did a full and unbelievably painful wedgy on the other and then nearly broke his arm with a twist round the back to the top of the neck. A lot of pain, swearing and nastyness followed, but we were quick to make up and cuddle this time.

The day finished with one of us pretending to be a dog. We had, the previous night, purchased a lovely pink leash with big diamonds so it looked authentic. Well... we think/hope it was a dog leash, but, having bought it on the Koh San Road, it could have served a its purpose for numerous sex kinks too.

One brother led the other down the road with the dog barking, sniffing and doing general dog things. Again this was on the Khoa San Road just for effect. Brilliant!

From that night onwards, that particular brother was now known as the "Dog Boy" - a whole lot crapper than being one of the "Jumpers" but nevertheless, we were now hotter than Arnie Swishineggar throughout Bangkok.

On the way back to the hotel for a shower before dinner, Lindsay had a little accident. This holiday has been a bit of a bad journey for Lindsay toilet-wise. It looks like this is forever going to be a problem during the trip around Asia so this is the last we will hear or see of Lindsay’s toilet exploits. He blames Delhi-Belly, Food Poisoning, Malaria and any other disease - the rest of the world knows it as poor bum control. Just take it for granted they will still be happining even if you’re not seeing it or being told about it.

Waking up in the morning should be a lovely experience. You open your eyes and wipe away your sleepy head, look around and give thanks to God for everything you see and then spring into action for the full day ahead.

On the 19th of February, we didn’t feel this. Instead, we woke up to the task of having to cover our faces in white paint, lipstick and eye liner, don on black leggings, a black and white stripey skin tight top, some white gloves and a black beret. Yes, this was our Silent Day.

Normally nothing really phases us. Let’s face it, the 99.999% of people we meet and see over here in Asia, we’ll never see again. So, it doesn’t really matter that much if we make a bit of an ass out of ourselves.

But this wasn’t really that normal. Lee’s face paint kept melting under the horrendously hot sun which meant that he no longer looked like a mime artist and instead, resembled a victim of a freak nuclear accident. This scared the locals. Lindsay, well, try and imagine a five-foot-eleven-and-three-quarters bulkily built lad squeezing himself into female size 8 tights and a size 10-12 frilly top and you’ll see why he managed to scare the locals too.

Surprisingly, after the initial 3 hours of complete embarrassment and awkwardness, we flung ourselves into this challenge and made our way all over Bangkok using nothing but the power of gesticulation. At certain points the Challenge proved excrutiatingly painful - not for us, but for the poor Bangkokians we had to sit next to on the Skyline trains or at fod outlets etc.

For one, these are, for the majority, a very polite, and keep-yourself-to-yourself kind of people and sitting next to two twats dressed as mime artists may be a tad innapropriate and uncomfortable. Still, the majority of the poor souls we subjected to our torturous and painfully poor miming took it in their stride and even joined in. We loved it.

Location: Bangkok

Today we met up with our Mr Motivator who was going to help us complete our Temple Bodies Challenge. This is where we have to lose excess body weight and get super fit in a few short weeks. God, we thought this was supposed to be a holiday.

Just before leaving to meeting Mr Motivator Lindsay was posing in the mirror and could not see how he would be able to improve on his Arnie type physique. He asked Lee how he could improve on perfection. Lee pointed out that Lindsay had a slightly wonky mirror in his hotel room which caused a weird image to form. This was much like the effect the Funny Mirrors have at the Fun Fair. Lee pointed out another mirror in the bathroom and Lindsay looked into it in aghast. There before him stood his real body and we left the room with Lindsay disputing which one of the mirrors was actually dodgy.
 
We met Mr Motivator at an outside gym in a park in the Silom area of Bangkok. He was a guy called Daniel originally from Bangkok but lived in Germany until recently. He quickly introduced himself and then ripped us apart on our unhealthy bodies and lifestyle. We were put through some fitness tests and then given a programme to work at. This programme basically involved running, swimming, sit-ups, press-ups etc. Lindsay was also told to lay of the burgers and Lee told to work on having a mans body rather than the feminine capsule in which he inhabited. Mr Mo-thai-vator had given had spoken. Time to get fit!

We then joined in a outdoor aerobics class in the same park. The class was huge and 100’s of mostly fit locals participated. The first five minutes were hard. Trying to find the rhythm of the class was very difficult but soon we were both strutting our stuff.

Ten minutes later Lee was on his back panting heavily but not in a good way. The heat and this new thing called exercise had taken its toll. Lee scared of being the first crushing death in aerobics history decided he best leave the area before being trampled. Standing was not possible so he rolled onto his stomach and then onto all fours, picking up his bag with his teeth he crawled to safety. Lindsay danced on and on.

We arrived back in Bangkok at 05:30 am after a 13 hour bus trip – nice though – Lindsay had 2 seats for himself and apart from the worst movie in the World every (Identity… Cusack what the f*ck were you thinking?) and having to endure the title screen of the DVD for an hour afterwards, the trip was surprisingly pleasant.

So, it’s 07:05 am and we’re sitting in a very overpriced café on the Kho San Road. Lee’s already pushed one poo out and Lindsay’s in absolute agony as he awaits the b*stard who’s been in the only toilet cubicle for at least 45 minutes now to exit. He better be dead!

Ass gripped tight in excrutiating agony – Lindsay orders another 45 Baht Coffee and prays like never before for the cubicle to come free. He knows that he has to wipe and/or skoosh his ass cleaner and better than ever before – because at 1pm today, he’s going to stick a hose up it!

08:10 and Lindsay shouts at one of the waiters to force entry into the toilet – Turtle heads are appearing now. The confused staff member replies with a “Push Door” and bewildered look upon his face.

Lindsay – hobbles over to the toilet door and with a huge barge – forces open the door – expecting to come across a corpse and have to wait another hour-or-so for Thai Tourist Police to complete forensics. No body. Instead, what he’s confronted by is a…

Toilet. Apparently turning the knob doesn’t open doors in this restaurant – you have to apply some slight pushing pressure too.

6 minutes later and 4 pounds lighter – Lindsay skips back to our table – elated of his poop accomplishment.

09:00 now and Lee’s just found us a bed for the night – thing is, we can’t check in until 11am. That leaves very little time for Lindsay to squeakily clean his bum hole in order to save potential embarrassment at the bum-clinic.

Not surprisingly, Lindsay just bought “Walk The Line” on DVD – this is his substitute to finding a lady and will probably bring him as much happiness as a girly-friend would do anyhow.
 
Colonic

Carlsberg don’t make hospitals but if they did, they’d make the hospital we just visited in Bangkok today.

You see, Lindsay, in a lifelong aim of shedding some weight, signed up for some colonic irrigation.

Meet up with K and Natasha again – planning commences

Lee’s day was filled with much more pleasurable things than bodily functions. Not soon after arriving in Khoa San Road he had found a hotel room with an 11 O’clock check-in and decided to spend the time shopping and admiring Khoa San come to life.

This street really is amazing. At 6am you still have life in some of the bars with some people (probably the Scots and Irish) still drinking from the night before. They have that “no, we wont let this great night end easily. If we carry on drinking then we won't notice the sun come up” look. At the same time as this the streets are being cleaned and the first of the traders are starting to open their shops or set up their stalls.

The noises of the hustle and the bustle start to grow and very quickly from a sedate little street with maybe one or two bars generating a little noise the street is buzzing again and the travellers surely emerge and the ever repeating life of the Khoa San is here again.

After checking in and getting an hour's nap Lee meets up with Lindsay for a bite to eat. This is where Lindsay says he has booked in for Colonic Irrigation. Lee manages to stifle a laugh and tell Lindsay how ridiculous this idea is and so instead says “That’s a great idea, I’m sure it will be very pleasant. I’ll film it”. Lindsay the fool also agrees to this being a good idea and Lee looks forward to the anguish his brother will face tomorrow.

Today we finished the filming for our Bond of Brothers Challenge. Thank F*ck!
Here’s Mr Evil’s lair. We still can’t understand how we can diminish the beauty of anywhere we go by doing stupid sh*t with it;
 

Tonight we go out drinking. And drinking we will do – in copious, huge, enormous and gigantic proportions. We need it!

We had a little hissy fit earlier today about bad language and dictatorship but this time we knew to walk away from the fight and approach our separate corners of love for our individual “me” time.

More importantly though - Frank had a near-death experience!

A massive crocodile approached us all as we sat filming and “acting” (the loosest term of the word intended there) in “Mr Evil's” lair. Unbeknownst to us, the scaly predator creeped up on us from behind (perhaps he was a croco-sexual) and as the green b*stard was about to take a mouthful of Lee (Lindsay was obviously too much a strain on the reptile’s mouth) Frank selflessly jumped right into the line of fire.

He’s not bothered though. In fact, he says that his pulling potential has increased ten-fold as women will throw themselves on his war-wounded-heroic-ass. We now owe our lives to the 7 inch sex-addict.

We finished the filming after 4287291 takes and once it’s shown on the telly – you can let us know if Hollywood beckons or, the dole qeue.

Location: Ko Lanta

Today was Bond – the morning went amazingly brilliant! Lee being Mr Evil and Lindsay being Bond. We loved filming this (even though we moaned all the way through it).

We met three amazing girls on our first few days here at Koh Lanta and they were desperately excited about being our Blond Bond Girls. Unfortunately for them though, they had to leave the day before filming commenced and so couldn’t run their half-naked bodies against Lindsay’s sweaty and hairy ass.

Despite their enthusiasm – Lindsay still failed to get laid! But, he can lie back home to his friends of where and how this picture was taken - and how the night ended up;

Yesterday, thankfully (with time running out) Gemma (our tag-along-friend) found two other Bond Girls for our Challenge. Without her we’d never have completed the Challenge as Lindsay’s now too scared to approach the female species through constant fear of forever reoccurring knock-backs.

Shooting commenced and everyone was astounded at how natural these lassies were at playing up to a script. Turns out, the two of them are actresses back home in the UK. Amazing on camera and stunning in real-life. Thanks girls. Lindsay still never got laid!

He blames it on the Speedos – Lee disagrees. He thinks it may be down to the slight fact that his younger bro is indeed, fat and ugly. And no, we never Photoshopped this picture. It is that big! Lindsay’s arse is really that huge!

And… here he is, shocked to find that somehow Olly has shrunk and turned real. Didn’t last long though – on putting the little furry thing back in our rucksack – he turned back into a puppet;

Lee managed to get the staff of an internet café to act out some key Bond scenes too. These people gave it their all and, as they act as a travel agent also – we got the cheapest travel tickets back to Bangkok (600 Baht!) so, again, if ever in Koh Lanta – go to these people;

Lanta Mania
210 Moo. 1 Saladan
Koh Lanta
Krabi
81150
Tel : +66 (0) 7568-4801

Lee, somehow and miraculously convinced a Thai Policeman to get involved in a scene too. Amazing these people are – the Thai’s have to be one of the friendliest people we’ve ever had the fortune to meet.

Unfortunately though, despite us making him an international film star – the very same cop fined Lee the very next day – for riding a moped without a helmet. Ungrateful bugger. Still, hey ho!

Here – laughably – Lindsay is with three other Bond Girls. Again… well, we don’t have to keep stating the obvious do we?

For one of the final scenes in our Bond Challenge, Lindsay had to dig a man-sized-hole in the sand. This is where Mr Evil (Lee if you can’t tell) captures Lindsay Bond – how will he survive this one?

We are knackered. We aimed to do 101 challenges in a year. With the telly people on board we have to do them in blocks of 20 days here and there etc. That means we are absolutely shattered when Mark comes out and beats our asses. Talking of asses;

As part of High Five Challenge – we’re going to try and donate some of your cash to the cruelty Thailand’s animals are suffering. This can’t go on. Please people, donate a fiver and get everyone you know to do the same. We need to put a stop to this evil torture;

We are both completely shattered – mentally and physically. Rising at (on some days) 7am and not finishing filming until 10pm (15 hours later for the mathematically-challenged peeps out there) and having to do 3 hours of preparation for the next day – is really taking its toll on us.

Hence the lack of journal updates when filming is on. Sorry people. On the bright side though, only 17 days til Mark goes (we love the guy really). We promise to upload more of our shannanigans more frequently.

Love Ya Baby!

Today we woke up early and completed the Rumble and Tumble in the Jungle Challenge. Naturally, Lindsay was Tarzan and Lee (all too naturally) was Jane.

We had fantastic fun running through the jungles of Thailand after a rather easy trek through the high rising greenery (easy compared to the hell we endured in India). Somehow, during the trek, Lindsay grew to 8 foot tall and increased his body mass by 54%.

He even got to play with his nuts (nothing unusual there) and got to swing from one of our ancestors;

It all got a bit too much though – somehow, in the midst of the Thai Bushes, we managed to draw a crowd of over excited Swedes or Austrians (Lindsay can’t tell the difference and so, always asks anyone with a foreign accent if they’re German – usually they reply with “No, I’m Australian” or “No mate, I’m from Birmingham”).

Fearing they had read our previous journals, Lindsay began to worry that they were on a witch hunt to burn him at the stake and so, we both acted in a gesture of friendship - rather than throwing trees at them;

Now, a lot of what we’re doing for this site may come across as simple, stupid, pointless, crap and as no-big-deal. We agree – to a point. But, try and complete a Rumble and Tumble in the Jungle Challenge in 35 degrees of skin-burning heat and 87% humidity. We were fecked! Once you start sweating in Thailand, you can’t stop.

Take the other night for example. There we were, at this rather nice beach restaurant and we spotted a table-tennis-table. Lindsay made the stupid mistake of saying he was virtually a semi-pro at the sport and so Lee challenged him to a game.

Dressed in our finest, we had a quick game. Lindsay lost 11-0 (we didn’t know if it was to 9 or 15 and so settled for a figure in between). Being a pathetic sore loser – Lindsay turned the game into a match and now it was the-best-of-three.

Lee took the next set easily – but Lindsay had a fight in him. The score was 11-4. Predictably, the rules were changed and it was now first-to-three.

Again, Lee thrashed his little brother (not literally) and victoriously took the table-tennis-crown – winning the third set 11-6. Lindsay wanted to play more (best of 70 or so) but couldn’t continue. The sweat that was pouring from every part of his body was torrential. With the bat slipping out of his hands and his drenched feet skidding all over the floor – a health and safety risk assessment was made and so, the match was ended through fear of heart-attack.

Sorry about that – anyhow, back to the Challenge.

Lindsay suffered the wrath of the angry jungle (obviously pissed off at us ridiculing it) and was given a gift of three five-inch rips across the top of his right leg (one of the buggers even splits at the end into another three scores). Further to this, he also gained a new scar on his left leg and a further 2 scrapes to his right shoulder.

We’d love to say that these were nothing (which they are) but no. Lindsay took photographs of his war-wounds and wants to show the World his disfigurements;

The end result (we think) looks absolutely brilliant. Olly, who was so kindly donated to us for free (see previous journals about that one) even played a central role. We, including Olly, can’t wait to see it on the telly.

Still feeling like crap from the drinking night 2 days ago (don’t drink kids – it's bad) we began preparing for the Bond of Brothers Challenge over dinner. As we sat at our table, beautifully set on the beach sand, we had the most stupid conversation anyone had the misfortune to overhear.

The two of us and Mark were acting like over excited school kids with ADHD without prescription medicine – deciding our script and plot and how everything would happen. A lot of whoosh and pow noises were made.

With Tarzan and Jane out of the way, we furthered our preparations for the Bond filming and bought our costumes after finalising the plot. Lee went into town and bought some props. Naturally, as with any Bond film, these included; 3 Bananas, 1 Coconut and 1 Kimono.

Lindsay bought Speedos, a white shirt, a black shirt and borrowed a shovel and spade from Michael. On trying them on for the first time (the trunks, not the tools) as well as feeling like a German tourist, he also feels liberated. He also realises for the first time that he has a fat ass.

This week we have been mostly listening to Johnny Cash – The Greatest Hits.

You see, we brought an MP3 Player with us. 20GB of music to last us the year – with everything from Aqua to the Cheeky Girls – we have over 4000 songs of beautiful splendour to choose from.

But no… Lindsay didn’t bring the correct drivers and software for it to talk to our laptop and so any music we listen to, he always insists that it’s Johnny. Thanks to our mate Iain Brunton who highly recommended this great King for our ears (he too has the same sh*tty lack-of-taste in music as Lindsay).

Location : Ko Tao to Ko Lanta

It’s about half-four in the afternoon. We’re writing this journal as we sit drenched in sweat and seeping from every orifice and pore. We’ve just endured Thai travel. We left Koh Tao at 9pm last night. The plan was simple – or should we say, the Thai travel agent lied.

The 8 hour boat trip was an 8 hour boat trip – that was nice. We expected that. What Lindsay never expected though was that some hefty French girl who slept (you surely wouldn’t have expected anything else) next to him would nick his only bottle of water sometime during the night.

Naturally, this anger manifested itself into another day of Evil (more of that to come).

You see, a boat trip from Koh Tao to somewhere near Krabi isn’t exactly a luxurious experience. Like sardines, only smellier, 270 people are crammed into beds designed for the smaller-than-average 4-foot-2 Thai person.

As Lindsay, non-politically-correctly said as we boarded, “This is how 270 people die every week in Asian waters” – much to the disgust of the 18 English speaking companions we had on board.

Anyhow, we climbed into our beds and proceeded to watch Family Guy (the Star Wars film version) which was sh*te (according to Lindsay). Lee enjoyed it and so too did the other close proximity 40-or-so shipmates that had to suffer the sound without vision.

The rest of the boat ride went rather swimmingly (we hadn’t sunk or fallen overboard) and so, at about 8am the next morning – we arrived at Surat Thani. We waited about 20 minutes as everyone climbed into pre-waiting taxis to take them to wherever they were heading. After 20 minutes, us and about 5 other passengers were then instructed to walk (bloody walk!) a mile to meet ours. Budgeting too much on this trip we thought.

So, after resting our weary legs for a further half-hour at a little café (you see, this is what the Thai’s do – on the way to any destination, they make you stop at any and every café which their mates own and you're ultimately charged extortionate prices for anything).

Lindsay thought the coffee was 60 Baht and so, opted for dehydration after cursing the café owner, his staff, family and any unborn children. Lee found out they were only 30 and so, sipped on a nice cuppa. Not too dear after all, Lindsaypoops.

And on we go. We got a taxi ride to where a bus was (supposed to be) waiting on us, to take us straight to Koh Lanta. But oh no it wasn’t. Another 1-hour wait later and when it did eventually arrive – it was a converted tuc-tuc.

Bearing in mind that we have huge amounts of bulky luggage and the fact that Lindsay himself is indeed very bulky too – 8 people (including us) and all their luggage were crammed into the back of this vehicle. Rather uncomfortably;

Note : These were forced smiles and hanging off the end of an open back truck isn’t really as much fun as we’re making out.

Heading for the bus, we stopped at a travel agency. 25 minutes later, we got into a mini-bus (emphasis on the word mini) and headed off towards – yes, another travel agent shop.

Wow – this one was slightly nicer than the last, but still not grand enough to capture our hearts. We hoped there were more of these man-made wonders to see.

Yes there were! Three changes of vehicles later and 5 more travel agent shops on our tick-list of “Things to do before we die” and 4 hours later than planned, we finally arrived at Koh Lanta. Sadly, we never took any pictures of the aforementioned shops – we’d rather have taken in their beauty ourselves and instead, stared gawpingly at their stunning glamour.

Long Beach was our final destination on Koh Lanta. A beautiful, calm and massive expanse of yellowy-orangey-and-with-a-small-tint-of-soft brown sand. That’s the best we can describe it. It was, in other words, yellow.

We asked the price of a room at a rather nice hotel and replied with a “f*ck that” after being told that it would lighten our pockets by 3000 Baht for each of the nights we wanted to stay. No thank you please, we’re minks.

An hour later and we finally stumbled across a German guy by the name of Michael. He’s the owner of “The Funky Fish” resort and he very kindly offered us a roof over our heads for a mere 600 Baht per night. We jumped at the chance after the 5 previous accommodation providers had no rooms at their inn. We felt like Mary and Joseph (obviously Lindsay had to be Joseph to conquer his feminine spiritual fears).

The rooms we got were probably the best we’ve had on our travels so far. Hot running water, huge bathrooms, nice clean beds and even a couple of towels. Because we were still recovering from our earlier fall out (see previous journals) we thought that for the time being, we’d have separate bedrooms. The make-up sex was grrrrrrrreat on the boat trip earlier, but we didn’t want to risk our newly formed friendship by being so close to each other again so soon.

So – our recommendation is, if you’re ever on Koh Lanta – head straight for The Funky Fish – one of the cheapest resorts on the main strip of the beach and definitely one of the most comfortablest too!

Oh, as we were about to write this journal entry – Lindsay opened the laptop on the veranda. A squeal like someone being quartered by horses ripped through the island. Lee rushed out of his coco-hut to help free his brother from whoever was trying to force themselves onto him. Fortunately for Lindsay and any person who would have the need or will to force themselves on him – no harm was coming to the poor lad.

Instead, Lee saw Lindsay jumping back from the laptop like a ballerina in flight. Amazed at his elegance and surprisingly unnatural physical moves, Lee was somewhat shocked to see that all this screaming was over a beastie;

During the day on Koh Lanta, the beach is scattered but not cluttered with people – it’s relaxed and a great place to just lay back and chill. At night though, parties are everywhere. We recommend The Funky Fish, Klumpa Klum (or something like that) and a place called Earth. This is where you’ll find people from all over the world between the ages of 18 to 40 and it’s a potential sh*gging haven (for anyone other than Lindsay). Nice.

We’ve been playing a lot of newly found games the past few weeks. These are probably ancient and known to everyone but us. The first one being “ibble dibble” and, for those who don’t know the premise here’s how to play it.

Firstly, get drunk – this game will never work if you’re sober – a) Because it’s bloody stupid and b) because you’d be too self-conscious of looking like a knob. Secondly, find other like-minded drunkards and gather in a group around a table. Once everyone’s settled, get a pen or a cork (burn one end so it’s black) or an ashtray full of ash etc.

Now, give everyone at the table an ibble dibble number – we’ve found that going in a numeric chronological order in a clockwise direction works best – but you can change it if you like – it really makes no difference – just trying to explain here.

Anyhoo, now that everyone is aware of their ibble dibbleness – ibble dibble number one starts the game and, by using the exact following phrase “I ibble dibble number one, with no ibble dibbles on my face, call to ibble dibble number x with no ibble dibbles on their face”. The x represents one of the other ibble dibblers at the table – it could be ibble dibble number 2, 3, 4, 5 – simple algebra people!

Now, if any of the phrase is ars*d up – for example, words missed out or the number of ibble dibbles are incorrectly stated, then the ibble dibbler who did the ars*ing up then gets a black mark. This black mark is an ibble dibble.

Great game and usually pisses off any and everyone at nearby tables with the fun, frolics and jovial laughter. The game can go on all night if you want it to (but, it gets boring after a while) and so, we recommend that once an ibble dibbler accumulates 10 ibble dibbles – a forfeit (which is usually getting naked and going in the sea) is bestowed upon them.

We also found a new setting on our camera – which was nice. Fireworks. This is one of the 412 pictures Lindsay took of a topless man in all his glory (starting to worry now);

Another game (and although we love it, we’re not proud of ourselves Mum) is the C-word game. Very simple this one, but, very, very controversial.

Basically, the same drunken and hooligan like mob that you’re sitting with all have to come up with film names. The objective of the game is then to replace one of the words with the C word and see who can come up with the funniest lines. Here’s a few of our favourites;

My Big Fat Greek C.
See No C, Hear No C.
Three Men And A Little C.
Reservoir C’s... and so on, and so on.

The next day we met up with Mark and after a little-too-many man hugs, we were shown the first edits of show 1. Afterwards, we all hugged again – because it’s nice to feel wanted.

Lindsay was a bit nervous about this as he’s fully aware that he laughs like a horse on steroids crossed with Goofy on helium. Lee was unnaturally calm – confident that the camera would have captured his stunning beauty in all its glory.

Amazingly – the show actually looks good! We don’t (surprisingly) come off as twats but you can decide when (if) it airs. Asides Lee’s gorgeousness, the edit also captures Lindsay’s girliness – nothing else really. Lindsay is a blouse and screams at nearly everything he does. But – the t-shirt giveaway for United Colour of Britain and getting rid of the Kitchen Sink turned out better than we could ever have hoped for. Keep the hankies close.

Tomorrow the Temple Bodies Challenge starts, and so – only one thing for it. Copious amounts of drink and 6 buckets of Samsong Whisky, Coca–Cola and Red Bull (gets you absolutely rat-arsed) tonight!

This challenge is not going to go well. 1) we’re lazy 2) we have no time and 3) we really cant be arsed getting into shape – too much effort (re-emphasising point 1 really).

Lindsay wanted to go for the easy route and have some lipo. But the telly people told him he can’t get this and so – he’s now downgraded his fat-busting options and is resorting to planning a little colonic irrigation and a diet. He should lose loads of weight – let’s face it, he’s full of sh*t!

Here’s another random picture to break up the text. Enjoy;

Back to the story. We went out. Got very drunk and now (the next day) we are suffering a hangover from hell. We had to head off to Mark’s room to allow him to stick a big long thing in our faces - for a voice-over session.

Our throats were drier than a camel’s ass and with our heads pounding and Lindsay having to do a jobby every 14 minutes – we spent the next 5 hours of the day talking into Mark's… microphone.

This doesn’t sound like hard work – but having to say the same line 46 times and having 42 lines to say = (46 X 42) 1932 lines = hard bloody work. We wonder if it takes Jamie Theakston that long for his shows (is that all he does now?).

Reiterating our last few journal entries - Lindsay’s still not shagged this year and we’ve had no offers of help via email. Surely someone out there can close their eyes for 31 seconds and think of something else (like swimming or building a snowman or making a salad) to save this lad’s forever diminishing confidence?

The Pineapple song is also coming along - slowly but surely. In a few months we’ll definately put this video up – should be great – or sh*t. Either way, should be fun – or not. Simple equations there really.

We have our own theme tune!

Lindsay whistles it wherever he goes. Here it is – we fricking love it! There is no better feeling than having your own song (well there is. Sex. But Lindsay’s forgotten  that sensation) and so, a theme tune is like 74 multiple orgasms right now.

With the two of us not talking and with no knowledge of the other brothers whereabouts, for one day and one night, we were away from each other - the longest time since starting this journey.

Facing a day of nothingness and fear of being chatted up by a man (apparently everyone in this country is male), Lindsay decided to go into town and finally bought a replacement camera. Simple, but, Lindsay also passed a dentist on the way to the photo-shop and so (in his never ending quest of getting his leg over) he vainly went to get his teeth whitened too. Knob.

Happy with the results, he skipped joyfully out of the surgery and all the way back to the hotel. Sadly though, and much to his huge disappointment, even his new American Actor's smile can't aide him in getting laid.

How hurtful it is to his fading self pride that, even in a place with tens-of-thousands of hookers, hundreds and hundreds of ping-pong bars, sex parlors, brothels, strip joints and everything in between - he still can't lose his now-fully-grown-back virginity.

You'd at the very least think (or even hope for the boy) that a 65-year-old retired street gal or a Thai-Ladyboy (even an ugly one) would go for him - but no. The dry spell forever continues - at least he'll stand a better chance of getting into heaven for being pure again though.

Anyhow, with no family or friends to confide in, Lindsay decided to meet up with Natasha and K - who he's been chatting to on Facebook for a while. These two amazingly brilliant people are our “contacts” in Thailand and are the one’s who will make or break all our Thai Challenges. Obviously, Lindsay’s very impressed with his “new” teeth;

The conversation started formally, at an Irish Bar. In Thailand. Naturally.

Very quickly (as experience always shows) Lindsay managed to degenerate everything into a massive piss-up. We’ll never know what the hell we’ve planned, not planned, half-planned or arsed-up altogether. Stay tuned - we're as excited and bewildered as you!

Lindsay then popped into a taxi and was taken directly home after K helped to explain to the driver that he was not to stop anywhere for Ladies. The twelve attempts made earlier that night of handing wads of cash to street-hookers and having the money thrown back at him with looks of pure disgust have hurt his feelings. He's given up altogether on the search for sex now. Can anyone help? Perhaps a "Lay Lindsay, Ladies" campaign should be set up.

So, the next day, Lindsay met up with Gemma from the couple of nights before and sent Lee an email saying he was leaving Bangkok with his new friend, and that the two of them would be heading for Ko Tao (an island on the East Coast of Thailand) at 20:00 if Lee wanted to join them.

This was all arranged in that afternoon. Lindsay and Gemma spent nearly 2 hours with possibly the funniest Thai man in the World. Mr Thai. The two newly-found-traveller-buds asked to go to Krabi, but everything was fully booked and so, our smaller than the average man friend, booked them to Ko Tao;

If you want anything at all in traveling terms, go to this man – he is simply amazing! Even if you end up 200 miles East of your desired destination, it's worth the added hastle to be in this mans company for any amount of time;

Mr Thai (not his real name - It's probably John or John-Sang etc)
A-7-A16/95 Rambuttri Village Inn
Soi Rambuttri, Chakapong road, Pranakorn, Bangkok, 10200
Telephone : 0228208935

With the trip booked, Lindsay and Gemma had about 6 hours to kill. So, the graceful young thing that is Gemma stupidly listened to Lindsay as he mentioned teeth whitening for all of those 300 minutes. Gullibly, she obliged to try and copy his amazing Hollywood smile – the wimp that she is though, her squeals of pain led to huge fits of laughter from Lindsay, and the staff, but also led to numerous potential customers leaving the on-the-road dentist and opting for a less torturous alternative ;

And here he is again, having some pre-bus drinks with the girls and, not surprisingly, showing off his amazingly white gnashers with Gemma (who’s aren’t as gleaming we’d like to add) - 101 ways to arse-up a photo;

Anyhoo. Remember that Lindsay had sent an email to Lee? Well, unfortunately, Lee only read said email at 19:55 - as he had been in bed dying with the same affliction Lindsay was suffering from as we entered Thailand. Only, he had no medicine to aid his recovery, or at least suppress the agony the coughing and fever was causing. Obviously, Leprosy is spreadable by air.

In this email, there was an apology for cutting Barbie’s hair and so Lee went to meet his younger bro. Wary though, that the “sorry” wasn’t genuine and that Lindsay just wanted a close enough encounter to grab the computer back. Obviously, awakening up from his demented stupor the other night, he’s now remembered the plot.

Hastily, Lee accepted the invitation of forgiveness and met up with his forever smiling brother. Somehow, Lee managed to book a ticket, get checked out of his hotel and make his way to the bus in blinding discomfort – all within 5 minutes flat. A record?

Due to his late booking Lee had to get a different bus and boat than Lindsay and Gemma's. He literally clambered on board, sat down and passed out with exhaustion.

Throughout the entirety of the journey, sweat was dripping from the end of his nose, chin and the back of his hair. To any onlookers, he must have looked like the most unattractive travel companion. More so to the poor girl who sat down beside him.

When he wasn’t freezing with the air conditioning on, he was wrapped so tightly in a blanket that he was on fire. It didn’t matter in which of these two conditions he found himself in - the sweat flowed all the way to Ko Tao.

Lindsay and Gemma on the other hand, were already relaxing at some harbour in the middle of nowhere when the sun came up;

This sunset would have been enjoyed much more fully if it had not been for Gemma's insomnia which in turn, led to Lindsay's insomnia, a hot and stinking coach, wearing the same sweat soaked clothes for 20 hours, and some japanese man constantly poking Lindsay with what he can only pray to God was, a finger.

12-or-so-hours later, at around 9:30 am, we all reunited at another harbour on Ko Tao after a 2 hour cataraman hell-trip. Much to Lindsay's own surprise, he's now scared of boat trips too - as well as plane trips, beasties, cliff jumping and possibly women. The boat was jumping everywhere - bouncing around like a bouncy thing on water which seemed as hard as rock.

The two of us cuddled each other before calling each other w*nkers - that's our way of apologising and making up with each other. Gemma just looked on blankly. We were now friends again. Brothers in arms.

Eventually, we all booked rooms at a local resort. Everyone of us in a bad way. The two of us still at deaths door and Gemma looking bloody rough from lack of sleep - we decided there was only one thing for it. Hit the beach.

We stumbled and hobbled in a line, looking and sounding like characters from Trainspotting (or like how 3 Dundonian’s - after a 56 hour bender would appear to walk, talk and act before either being arrested or collapsing from an amazing effort) to a gorgeous little peice of almost white sand.

Surrounded by amazingly beautiful beaches, gorgeous clear oceans and over hanging palm tree’s – you’d think we’d have loads of pictures of the natural beauty around us. Nope.

Instead, Lindsay spotted a naked man sunbathing (probably German) and so, decided to take, not one, not two, but three of the following pictures;

After a 2 hour swim, and a further 45 minutes drip drying (none of us brought towels) we copped on to the possibility that Dundonian’s may actually have a decent thing going on, and so we headed off to a nearby beach bar. We only had two bottles of beer each, but even this miniscule amount of alcohol intake wasn’t good for any of us. Neither of us realised that we were suffering from massive sleep deprivation, dehydration, sun-stroke - possibly because we were all delirious.

A few hours later, we headed off for dinner. But first we stopped for a shave.

Now, we’ve had numerous shaves throughout our little trip. This one looked to be one of the best ever though. The “barber” was a 6”3-bigger-than-Lindsay-Ladyboy. Seriously, she would have made “The Rock” look like a welk.

Surely, if anyone was going to give a smooth shave it was going to be this mountain of a woman. After all, she’d have billions of experience. Turns out, no. She was quite literally sh*t. For someone who would have to shave 19 times a day, how the feck could she have done this to Lee?

Absolutely knackered, we embarked on one of the most exciting nights we’ve had so far. During our meal, no more than 7 words were exchanged by either of us. We hadn't fallen out - it was just, none of us could keep our heads from bouncing off the table. Lindsay dangerously ordered soup - but through fear of him drowning, Lee politely removed the untouched dish away from where his wee brother's head would surely land.

The three of us all stared blankly at a TV which was showing the equivalent of the Mighty Ducks movie, except the subject matter was Basketball (it had Martin Lawrence in it and was about a number of kid’s we’d have bullied at school ourselves, who go on from being crap at the game, to winning a national championship).

None of us would have liked that movie in any other circumstances, but we all agreed that if you resemble Trainspotting characters and are suffering from dehydration, lack of sleep and sunburn - it was the best movie ever! Will we ever know the film title? Will we ever care enough?

None of us touched the food we all ordered. The effort it would have taken to lift a fork or spoon was too much.

It’s 21:30 and as Lee writes this (and Lindsay edits it to be funny the next day), Lee lies in bed hungry for his fingers to finish these last two paragraphs as he feels sleep calling for me. This time it’s too loud to ignore.

Lindsay is already dead to the world, as is Gemma. Oh, here are some pictures of where we’re actually at (once Lindsay stopped zooming up some fat mans ass);

Goodnight

After spending more time than ever needed on the East Coast of Indja, we finally headed off to Chennai – destination airport. Lee wasn’t too bothered – he had grown to love the laid-back attitude of the locals and the amazing friendliness of the peep’s we’ve met along the way. Lindsay, who had become sickened by the food, the days of nothing-dom and the tens-upon-thousands of Hippies and Swedes was simply happy to be leaving an inevitable jail sentence for mass Hippy/Swede genocide.

 
We were finally off on to the next stage of our little adventure.

Arriving at the airport at around about 23:00, we then faced 40 minutes of excruciating negotiating and pleading before we were eventually handed two tickets to board our intended flight. Note-to-ourselves… buy tickets in real-life. Not online. Indjan’s haven’t yet grasped the technological advances of their own webernet capabilities and so, we had to explain to at least 14 different airport “managers” that an e-ticket wasn’t a drug.

We were scheduled to fly from Chennai at midnight on the 2nd of February. This was much to the delight of Lee, what with Lindsay being petrified of flying and getting all anxious about that particular time of night when he must have thought the plane might turn into a pumpkin and fall from the sky.

That particular theory was unjust and Lee did tell him that he was being stupid (comforting as always). Lindsay refused to wear his glass slippers – much to Lee’s kinky disappointment.

6 diazepam (prescribed by his own Doctor) later, Lindsay painfully and slowly walks on to our nice little 737. By this time, he’s already consumed copious amounts of alcohol. Not his choice – Lee’s. Nevertheless, the seat was grabbed tightly, knuckles whitening and whimpers fleetingly escaping from his mouth.

Until you have the misfortune of sitting on the same flight as Lindsay, you can never fully and truly understand or experience the torture of his constant squeals, screams, “oh my God’s”, “what the f*ck was that”, “Jesus, we’re going to die” and crying.

If you haven’t walked off the plane by this point, you’ll then face take-off. His petrified fear of flying then worsens to the extent that you’ll have to further endure the sounds of a middle-aged-man crying and squealing like a 4 year old pig being taken to slaughter.

Surprisingly, the flight turned out to be rather nice (for Lee). He fell asleep within seconds after lift-off. He obviously refused to carry on comforting his terrified little brother. The energy it took him to constantly remind Lindsay to “shut the f*ck up” must have drained him. Nevertheless, there were other passengers who could, in turn, be relied upon to absorb Lindsay’s aviation anxieties.

4 hours later (which felt like 14 hours for Lindsay) oh, we’ll put another comment here (which felt like 176 hours for the other 287 passengers) and we finally arrive in Thailand in the very early hours of the morning.

Frank’s obviously overspent on his budget (most likely on whores and liquor) and so, after a very short text message to our mobile, we agreed to meet him on the conveyor belt. The three of us then headed out of the terminal to get a taxi.

Lindsay, at this point, was still on writers-strike and last night Lee must have crossed the invisible picket line. He saw no placards, no physical line, no Arthur Scargill, but a picket line was none-the-less crossed (more about this later).

We then headed towards the exit and inquired at the indoor taxi rank as to how much a cab to our hotel would be. 750 Bhat (about £12.50) was the desired amount and so, with a base figure which would be used for comparison now in our heads, we continued on 25 meters and out through the exit.

No more than 4 foot-steps out of the terminal doors and we found another taxi rank who offered us to take us to our hotel for a mere 450 Bhat. We don’t know what quite makes that first part of the journey cost 300 Bhat for 25 meters but we were glad we walked on. Proving that Thai’s are crap at un-haggling the Scots. Scotland 1 – Thailand 0.

A rather pleasantly smooth ride later, and on reaching the hotel we passed out instantly. Lee awoke a few hours later as Lindsay was very ill suffering from PFPD (Post Traumatic Flight Disorder) and (as he explained) Leprosy.

He actually had a bad chest infection and was on antibiotics and anti-inflammatory medicine (as per Dr Lee’s experienced diagnosis – how naive)

Lindsay remained in bed, dying, and so Lee headed of to the San Road to purchase the Bangkok Post and relax in a restaurant.

After some time catching up with the Thai and International news he got talking to two girls. These girls had the names Gemma and Alicia bestowed upon them and how they would get the two of us into all sorts of states later that night was blatantly and foolishly unexpected of them.

Yes girls. Lee blames you. He thinks that they may have pushed him over the writer’s picket line. He had arranged to meet them later that night for dinner and perhaps a beer or two - at a push.

Lee chose a beautiful restaurant that he had once dined at on a previous trip to Bangkok. He explained to them (via his advanced knowledge of the Michelin Man) that it would be an excellent choice due to the marriage of exquisite ambience and mouth watering food that would be on offer.

Well that’s what he told them. It was simply a good choice due to the price. He then headed back to the hotel and collected his stricken writer of a brother.

With Lindsay perking up at the (ever so) slight chance of getting laid, we met the ladies and did in fact enjoy a beautiful meal, before they dragged us out of the classy establishment and onto the San Road.

Here they made us sit on plastic seats beside a dingy market stall where buckets of alcohol were ordered. We literally mean buckets. These things consisted of a bottle of Thai whiskey, Red Bull and a drip of Coke with, on this occasion 4 straws poking out.

Trying to refrain from the barbaric nature of this outdoor drinking establishment we put up a struggle and refused to down the mad potion. It was at this point we watched the two girls drink like women possessed and we quickly realised that the bill would be getting split four ways. Financially relaxed, we quickly sucked harder and faster than ever witnessed by mankind before (and remember, we were on the San Road – that’s quite a feat).

Foolishly, we underestimated the power of the alcohol content in these buckets and so, the next day, we were emailed some pictures taken by the girls. Apparently, we were out of our faces (see Lindsay's gazed expression below) and decided to grab price boards from the owner of the little stall and then proceed to parade up and down the Kho San Road like those girls in between rounds at boxing matches (but much less sexier - maybe more so to the sex tourists - who knows?). Allegedly, our end result was deterring potential customers than enticing them. Still, nice Stevie Wonder impressions compensated lovely enough;

More buckets were duly ordered and then, if truth be told, they were enjoyed (we think) before we headed to a club. The club was great craic and after more alcohol passed less and less wearier though our lips, we headed home to our hotel in separate tuc-tucs, after leaving Gemma and Alicia at there place. Gentlemen we are!

It was at this point Lee must have crossed the picket line, as on arrival back at the hotel Lindsay lost the plot.

Perhaps he lost the plot due to the fact that he was on strike and, as every writer knows, if you don’t keep up with the old writing, you can get writers block - succumbing to plot loss (think of Happy Days, Baywatch, Heroes – Season Two, and/or Neighbours)

A huge fight erupted, with us drunkenly falling against a wall or two and Lindsay shouting hurtful things such as “You’re not my favourite brother” and “Yes it was me who cut your Barbie’s hair off 10 years ago”.

Obviously, the words exchanged between the two of us were much more manly and harder than that – but we don’t want to encourage fighting or bad language. This was a huge fall-out. The first proper verbal and physical argument we've had in years. We're not proud - but looking back, the scars left on each of our throats are quite a funny talking point.

The two of us, having lived in each others pockets for the past 30 or so days, had reached breaking point (we never really liked each other in the first place) and the night ended in fisty-cuffs. Both of us at one point, having the other brother by the throat. Luckily (for Lee) no punches were thrown, and so, he’s still gorgeously perfect.

Lee decided enough was enough and so, he duly packed his bags and left for another hotel. Lindsay just passed out on the bed. Obviously though, Lee took the lap top - Lindsay wasn’t writing at that time anyway - more importantly, Lee knew it would p*ss him off.

Today Lee awaits an apology and in the meantime continues to cuddle into his own personal lap top with as much smug satisfaction as Lindsay must have had cutting all his elder brothers Barbie’s hair all those years ago.