101 Challenges:

Three days ago we finally pulled ourselves away from Manila and, after enduring yet another agonising two-and-a-half-hours of Lindsay’s in-flight squirming and screaming, Lee was happy to be back on land… but now in Taipei, the capital of Taiwan. He wasn’t as happy as Lindsay though – Paul McKenna can you help him? Lee? Any airline passenger that may accidentally be placed next to the sweating and trembling oaf?

On first impressions, this is a very impressive little ole city. Very clean, very busy but very efficient – everything runs like clock work - and to best describe it, it’s probably a bit like a small Tokyo (although we can’t truly compare because we haven’t been to Japan yet) But, it does have huge bright signs (the electricity bill here must be massive!) adorning every doorway and stacked onwards and upwards on every building with squiggly writing (possibly Chinese) and we’ve seen things like that in Japan on the telly.

What surprised us is, despite most of the signs here being in hieroglyphics, is that it’s very easy to get around thanks to the underground. What initially looks like a game of “Snake” on drugs, turns out to be a rather fluent and easy guide/map of the miles-upon-miles of subways.

Despite the excitement of being in a new country, Lindsay’s been feeling a little home sick over the past few days (missing his teddy and easy fat girls probably) and was in desperate need of a good cuppa. So, we decided to bring the “All the Tea in China” Challenge forward to Taiwan.

We heard there was a tea plantation on the outskirts of the city so, we hopped on a train and hopped on a bus to go and visit it. We hoped to have a nice day out in the fields and hoped to educate ourselves and you too, on the processes of how tea bags are made. What better place to go? Well as it turned out, anywhere else on earth would be better.

We were to “see how the leaves are harvested and the final cuppa brewed” and then “shock the owners by tasting their most expensive tea by dunking digestive biscuits”. Aaah, the culture.

Well, we’re not allowed to give away all the details (the telly people would kick us in if we did) but what we can tell you is, everything we hoped for was dashed and everything we sooooooo wanted to do was dangled in front of us like a carrot before being snatched away – at the same time as being punched in the dogs-reproductive-glands.

We only got offered one brew, and that brew was bloody disgusting. The plantation/museum was as boring as it sounds and the guide who we had arranged to meet us obviously didn’t know who we weren’t and failed to show up.

There’s an old saying in Scotland. It goes a little something like this… “Yi kin only p*ss wee the c*ck yav got” which means (in English) “One can only do, with the tools one has, only what said tools can allow one to do” So, Lindsay decided to run havoc around the joint and amuse himself in (what he claims) the name of “entertainment” Lee never moved from the stage of bored-stupid;

We saw your ad in the Tokyo Notice Board. We are currently filming a UK TV Series called 101 Challenges – to be screened on Channel 4 (UK) in November and December.

The show follows us, 2 brothers from Scotland, as we travel all over Asia completing 101 challenges given to us by the public. One of those challenges is to get on a Japanese game show.

We will do anything – for free – and give you publicity on our site, the e4.com site and the television show itself if you can get us onto a show this week.

Please email us asap if you can help. We are currently in Shanjuku.

Yours Sincerely

Lindsay and Lee Vine (the brothers)

Today we headed into one of the many markets in Manila - in search of a local dish. This was part of the ongoing Dodgy Delicacy challenge and, this one certainly lived up to the title.  The particular dish we were looking for is called Balute. It looks like a normal chicken egg, except inside there’s a partially developed foetus. Yum yum. Everyone likes chicken.

We found a little stall selling the Balute in no time at all and loads of people were coming to purchase the protein filled dish. Apparently you should have no more than 10 per week or you’ll die. We don’t know what of or if it’s true but that’s what we were told and we’ll believe anything – the moon is made of cheese!

Lindsay ate chicken feet in Vietnam so it was only right that Lee eat chicken feet-uss (see what we did there!) in the Philippines.

Lee approached the stall owner and made sure what he was about to buy was in fact Balute. He was very articulate and pointed to the pile of eggs and said chicken? The stall holder nodded and said chicken in which point Lee nodded back and said chicken one more time just to be sure there was no misunderstanding. Thrice confirmed – it was indeed chicken.

Not knowing what to expect, Lee proceeded to crack the egg and peel off the top of the shell. What was revealed looked like something from the movie “Alien” than a chicken or a normal yolk. There was loads of liquid in the egg (the “soup” apparently) and Lee was encouraged to down it by the now growing crowd - who were enjoying watching the little Westerner tucking in to one of their favourite snacks.

The liquid was downed, and despite a burp or two and stomach convulsions it surprised Lee to find that it didn’t taste too bad. Not good, just not too bad. The rest of the shell was then removed and the contents were unfolded. There was a hard stone like thing which you don’t or cannot eat, then a little bit of what look liked normal egg yolk and then the alien.

The alien part was gooey, slimy, ugly, and down right scary looking. This was certainly something that you did not want to hold, never mind put in your mouth. Nevertheless, with some members of the crowd instructing that it tastes better with salt, Lee sprinkled away and then shoved the gooey and slimey salty gunk in to his gaping mouth to a chanting crowd countdown of 3-2-1.

As it was chewed the vomit-inducing-stomach-spasms returned. Throughout the period of chewing and swallowing, a little dance was performed. This was just an involuntary reaction by the body and we don’t know if it was a “Lee” thing or whether Balute causes everybody to dance.

The crowd were pleased with the Westerner’s performance and happy that he had tried one of their delicacies and managed to keep the contents down. With the deed done we left the market with talk of future dodgy delicacies to come… things such as live prawns in Japan. Perhaps, in comparison, dead and uncooked baby chicken isn’t that bad after all

The last few weeks have been mental in so many ways.

Firstly we have been trying to set up our challenges that are planned for Taiwan and Japan before we enter the countries. This has provied rather difficult due to language barriers.

Lindsay has had a bit more success than Lee due to the fact that he speaks the Queen's English and well Lee speaks more like Rab C Nesbit. When Lee has called certain organisations he has asked to speak to an English speaker. This request on most occasions was not understood and on the few occasions it was they didn’t think Lee was speaking English. Lee is now practicing his “How now brown cow” sentence although it sounds like “who new brun coo”.

On average we have spent about 5 hours a day at the pc and on the phone trying to get the get people to help us and set up locations and other logistical nightmares.

We have now been told that the Philippines sell the Asian delicacy of duck embryos. These are almost hatched ducklings that are shelled and eaten with their cute little beaks and little feathery bodies included.

We have been challenged to eat one, so watch this space...

X-Factor International was a tricky one. We were to write our very own original song. This is a tad difficult when you have the musical ability of a tadpole and the singing qualities of a horse’s anus (it’s always nice to write anus).

Writing the thing began in India, way back in January. Lindsay used to write poetry (we know… try not to laugh) and so, it was only natural that he compose a from-the-heart and passionate song. Here’s some of the incredibly gay (no offence to homosexuals here – you lot can probably write a hell of a lot better crap than this) lyrics that he initially penned. Obviously hoping for a Grammy or some “Female Lyricist of the Year” award;

I’m a lost soul searching
You’re a lost soul found
A thousand rocks upon a shore
Out of sight, a thousand more

From out of the dark
In pours the sun
Closing the sad
Opening the fun

I left a home which was no longer mine
She’s the wind
She blows a fury
She can calmly breeze
She’s been everywhere

A solitary man finds a lonely spot
And counts the blessings that he’s got
He thinks to himself
Small man, small land, big sense of adventure
A lonely island, a secluded rock
Never racing against the clock

Everywhere she goes, she brings a party
She brings the will of the sun, sand and see
She puts a smile on everyone around her

Mystical land takes me by the hand
Shows me things I’d never seen
Every sight, a true delight
Beyond my wildest dreams

It’s better to regret what you have done
Than forever regret what you haven’t
Don’t follow, lead
Don’t starve, feed

Absolutely horrifically pathetic. We were actually cringing as we copied these Sonnets from paper to screen. Amazingly though, with the random and slightly scary juices flowing, on the 23rd of June, 2008, Lindsay finally penned the song of his life.

With the amazing help (and even more amazing patience) of Russell Smith, a fellow Scottish back-packer, we finally and miraculously (and over the course of 8 beers each) came up with the following (what we think is an) amazing end result. Lindsay still holds a mental erection over it.

Until the end of time, we’ll always be baffled at how the hell Lindsay came up with a song about a bloody pineapple. Pyschologists would have a field day exploring the insides of his head. But, the song’s great (even if we do say so ourselves) Watch out Leona Lewis!