101 Challenges:

Location: Kota Kinabalu

Today we arrived in Kota Kinabalu after spending a few days at Sandakan. We’re sleeping at the Summer Lodge and oh my Lord – is this not the greatest place on earth!?!

As shallow as we are (we’ve never claimed to be anything else) we found everything we’d ever need in this hostel – some come to Borneo for the orang-utans some come for the mountains, some even come for the luscious jungles. We’ve seen all that and they were ok – what we’d come back to this country for is this hostel.

What we loved about Borneo was, inside that god-send of a hostel, there were not one, not two, not even three, but four (yes, four!) computers all linked up to the webernet and all free to use! On top of this was a TV with every cable channel on earth and a free-to-use DVD selection and, wait for it… beer was only £1 for a huge can!

Naturally, we spent our remaining day playing Scrabulous (www.scrabulous.com) against each other, irritating the hell out of all the other guests by channel hopping non-stop for hours at a time (this should be a sport) and tenderly sipping away at golden amber nectar.

It’s a shame really. Kota Kinabalu apparently has some really nice places to see – but we Google-imaged them and were drunkenly content at that.

Location: Borneo

Today we kind of completed the Hug-U-Tan Challenge. We say kind of because it was in fact Olly, our pet Orang-utan puppet (donated to us by Caroline Cross and www.mightybanana.com) who headed off to the Sepilok Orang-utan Rehabilitation Centre to hug one of his own:



You see, Olly’s been living in the bottom of Lee’s bag for the past 4-and-a-bit months and crawled out this morning insisting that it should be him and him only that completes this Challenge as humans shouldn’t really be touching his Aunt or Uncle or second Cousin Belinda.

The conversation heated up a bit and things could have turned nasty if it wasn’t for Olly’s diplomacy and calming influence. We finally agreed to surrender the onus of responsibility for this Challenge – Olly left the hotel and we stayed in bed. Together. Spooning again. This is no longer unnatural or awkward for us.

So, off little Ollykins went and after a nearly a full day of us worrying for his wellbeing, he returned all happy and proud of himself – the little smug b*stard. He explained in great detail and length of the beauty of his natural home, how his alcoholic and substance abusing brothers and sisters were doing well on their cold-turkey rehabilitation programme and then, how he got patted on the head by his grand-dad.

Technically he failed the Challenge and when we told him this, our ginger little friend went absolutely mental and wrecked the hotel room before storming off. We haven’t seen him since.

He did leave some photos though:

Location: Sandakan

Today we left Mount Kinabalu and it’s cold and windy weather system and, after another four hour bus trip that was indeed seven hours (our 27th encounter with lying tour operators) we arrived in Sandakan – on the west of Borneo.

There’s absolutely nothing to do here but relax and that relaxation comes in the form of five tins of beer for 20 RM (that’s just over £3) which is an absolute bargain in these here parts – at the top of Mount Kinabalu we extremely reluctantly paid 20 RM (that’s just over £3) for one tin of beer. One was enough – and we savoured every sip. Here we are enjoying said beer with some very friendly locals:

Location: Borneo

Yesterday morning, after spending the night a-thousand-meters above sea level in the foothills beside Mount Kinabula in Borneo we woke up looking like we needed an almighty shave. This however was not the case. We were in fact wearing orang-utan costumes for the King of the Swinger Challenge – and this is how orang-utans get from KL to Borneo – by plane:



The challenge had not yet commenced but such was the cold, we decided to prevent hypothermia by wearing our costumes to breakfast. Naturally, we looked like twats.

The last 14 hours were like being back home in Scotland and sitting outside on a typical summers day. However back home we would be wearing a pair of trousers, a vest, T-shirt, jumper and a heavily padded waterproof jacket. Here we were preparing for a stroll into the clouds at over 4000 metres with beach wear on and our orang-utan costumes (we now refer to them as our thermals).



We had previously practiced wearing the costumes in downtown KL and we were quite concerned at the blistering heat that accumulated inside. We stupidly expected rainforest covered Borneo to be of similar climates. Oh no. It was cold, cloudy, wet and windy. We should have seen this coming as the signs were everywhere and they were from the Borneo tourist board:

Come to Borneo it’s Baltic
Come to Borneo it’s Brass
Come to Borneo it’s Brrrr
Come to Borneo it’s Bloody Freezing

Okay, so those aren’t real slogans but we think them very apt and are planning on contacting the BTB to offer our suggestions for their 2009 tourist campaign.

We munched a massive breakfast as we knew we would need the energy to climb to the overnight station Laban Rata (3200 metres or so up the “hill” as Lindsay called it).

Our fellow climbers were amused at us wearing our ancestral outfits and a few did ask why. Lee advised them that on the internet it said to wear climbing gear and so that’s what we were doing and said they were stupid for only wearing thermals and fleeces.

And so, setting out with Sir Hillary Edmund in our thoughts, we reached the base of the “hill” with our guide Pinget and 2 porters (Sherpas). We pulled down our masks and adopted our roles as orang-utans and started to monkey around excited at being home again.

The next 5 hours were spent on the Reebok Step master or that’s the way it seemed. 99.99994% of the journey was up hill and was basically large stairs. Granted the steps were more exotic than the ones in our mums hallway but she has carpets so weren’t sure which is better. The steps ranged from wooden slates to muddy banks, to simply jutting out rocks. We missed 96.9772% of the views as we had to look constantly at our feet via the tiny slits in our mask that were our eyes.

Thankfully due to the suits the heat did start to warm our cockles and alas we did feel like we were in Borneo. Every now and again we would stop for a break at one of the resting stations. We would never stop for long though as we would hear the rustle of leaves and the thumping of animal chest which made us fear that if we stopped any longer we would be sodomised by an ape mistaking us for the real thing. Lindsay, funnily enough, wasn’t too concerned though.

After hitting around about the 2500 metre high mark, we entered the clouds. Instantly the temperature dropped and our previously warmed cockles shrank. The winds picked up dramatically and roared and whistled all around us. We still had some way to go and it looked like rain was on its way so we decided to hurry.

Unfortunately our speed was hampered by other climbers wanting to get pictured with the local wildlife. Us!

For the first 500 photos we posed with broad smiles (pointless really as we had huge masks on) and shouts of bananas rather than cheese as that was more appropriate. The next 500 photos were met with silence, major grimaces and whispered f**ks and s**ts under our breaths. All of this was done under our masks so we did not offend or give a bad impression of orang-utans:

The next 1500 metre climb was pretty much all the same. Eyes down looking directly at our feet, trying to control our breath in the thinning air and just ploughing on. It didn’t matter that we weren’t looking around as there was nothing to see but clouds that rolled past all around us. We touched clouds!



We reached the overnight rest area and celebrated with a beer. We may have had more had they not been ridiculously high prices (£3.50 for a small can) but since we were at a ridiculously high height and some poor dude had to climb up here with them we guess the price is pretty fair.

Around 4 minutes after reaching this place the weather got even worse. The wind was trying its best to rip the roof off and came shooting through every gap that the poorly made building had. The rain battered the place and we were convinced if the wind didn’t get the building then it was only a matter of time before we and the building went white-water rafting down the “mountain” as a knackered Lindsay was now calling it.

When darkness fell and people started to hit the sack we were informed that our residence for the night was actually in a different building - a further 7 minutes walk up the mountain. If this was any other country in the world we would not have been allowed on the mountain in the first place and as inadequately prepared as we were, we’d never be allowed or even expected to undertake the journey to our beds.

Having no waterproofs and not wanting to get what we had wet, we hiked up our shorts in a sort of Julian Clary way, grabbed black bin bags and pulled them over us just poking a hole big enough for our heads. Our bags were cradled inside with our arms. We didn’t plan on falling but if we did we figured our noses could stop our faces getting damaged:

We opened the door and started to make our way further up the mountain with Mark, Matt (a Canadian) and Vanessa and Kate (English and Australian).

Matt, Kate and Mark were reasonably prepared i.e. they had jackets. No stairs here, instead slippery granite rocks and flowing water from the continual pouring of rain. For some reason rather than being scared we were laughing at how dangerous it was, we think we were delirious.

Thankfully we made it without a scratch - a complete and utter miracle really. We didn’t even get wet - well apart from our shoes and socks but luckily there was a gas stove so ingenious Lindsay boiled them dry in a pot – great ingenuity but the subsequent stench throughout the chalet was horrendous.

This day, despite all the dangers, stupidity and coldness - was immense. We loved every minute of it and can only recommend you come to Borneo (it’s bloody freezing – surely the BTB will go with that one) with your orang-utan costume and climb Mount Kinabalu. Here it is above the clouds (taken on our outward flight):



The rest of the tale remains a secret for now, that’s telly darlings. Needless to say we are down, alive and despite our legs being in absolute agony, we’re looking forward to our cockles warming and growing again.

Location: KL

Since the 'Ass To The Wind' Challenge has been re-scheduled for reasons out with our control, all we have to do now is kill time in KL. So, naturally, we decided to monkey (Orangutangy) around (we’ll add some pictures soon).

Oh, we forgot to mention. A few days ago we decided to go on a little sight seeing adventure. A couple of hours out of KL is where millions and millions of fireflies come out to play at night time. We were over spending on our daily budget by at least 180% a day anyway so why not fork out another £45 each for the pleasure of seeing some beasties with light bulbs as asses?

What a complete and utter waste of cash this was. A 3 hour taxi ride out of the city led us to what could only be described as (other than simply listing 42 profound words) crap.

Here we are, £90 lighter and searching and searching and searching for these little bugs – we saw about 112 – we think we did. You get taken out on a little boat along a little smelly river for 30 minutes. This is where posters, leaflets and staff tell you that billions of fireflies are all around you – whizzing past your face in all their little glow-bum glory:

What we saw (apart from pitch black night) was a few pathetically flickering lights amidst some trees along the edges of the river bank. Seriously, this could have been a flashing Christmas tree and, if we had known this, we could have saved £82 of our 90 by getting out Mum to go to Woolworths, buy one and post it out to us.

Anyhoo, there’s nothing more to add here other than a little sum-up of Malaysia by our standards. Beer’s expensive… oh, you want more detail?

Malaysia’s a beautiful country and the people are fantastic – all you need to learn is “Tarima Kasi” (or however you spell it) which means “thank you”, and “Abba Kabba” (again, however you spell it) which means “how are you?” Another good one is “Soma Soma” (we’re giving up on spelling now) which means something like “don’t mention it”. The people appreciate these token gestures and you’ll be guaranteed a fantastic rapport with no matter what. The other great thing we noticed was, everyone says hello to you and asks how you are. It’s just so, so friendly.

But (there’s always a but) the cost of surviving here is a bit high and more importantly, beer (when it can be found) is rather expensive – which, we’ve come to reason, makes it taste so much better.

Location: KL

Whilst in KL we were meant to complete our “Ass To The Wind” Challenge – you know, the one where we’re meant to throw ourselves out of a plane with nothing but a piece of linen to stop us crashing in to the fast approaching ground.

Everything was pre-arranged (sort of). We had, through the telly people, contacted a local skydiving company who were up for helping us complete this stupidly dangerous (although top-notch safety was assured) Challenge.

But… 3 days before the day of reckoning we phoned up and spoke to Jingagings (all names have been changed for a) legal reasons b) to hide the identities of the incompetent fools who ruined one of our Challenges and c) to prevent us getting our heads kicked in.

Here’s the twin towers at night (thought we’d add a picture here for the hell of it) and one of Frank with them during the day (why not?)

It turns out that the useless buggers that we were to trust our lives with had no clue who we were, what we wanted, when we wanted what they never knew about and that what they never knew we wanted couldn’t be arranged on the day they never knew about but instead, a week later – when we’d be in Borneo.

Lindsay is absolutely elated – so much so that he’s just back after a 15 minute celebratory naked dance throughout the hotel corridor. Lee’s gutted – he wanted this adrenalin so much. Oh well, as ze Germans would say – ShiBe Passiert (or however you spell it).

So the Challenge has been rescheduled – by us. We’re going to try and complete this one in Japan now. Ideally over the skies of Tokyo. So God, put all those prayers Lindsay sent you over the past few days and keep them as an i.o.u or something for July. Cheers mate.

All was not lost though. The “organiser” (that term is soooo loosely used it’s almost comical to write it) felt a bit guilty about her incompetence to arrange a piss up in a brewery and so, invited the two of us to a late night party at her office. Lee declined, opting to spend the evening more productively by writing some journals, arranging picture entries and downloading porn (only joking Mum, he never wrote the journal). Lindsay on the other hand though mmmmmm – wouldn’t mind seeing her linen and putting his life in her hands!

You see, it turns out that via a few text messages, emails and phone calls, Jingagings is a model and highly placed on the Malaysian pedestal as the countries “Best Dressed Woman”. Yummy. Leaving Lee and dashing in to the first taxi to pass, Lindsay headed off, wide-eyed and horny as hell to his awaiting Malaysian version of Japanese Rachel?

After stopping at a 7-11 convenience store for some sexual condiments and mouth fresheners, Lindsay hopped out of the taxi and bounced his way to the office building. Skipping merrily to the elevator shaft (we laughed there – note to selves, we really need to grow up) and pressing the button to happiness, he joyfully boogied to his own sex theme tune which was blaring in his head.

Ding. The lift doors opened and after six short steps he met the model Jingagings. And this… this is where everything fell apart.

Jingagings failed to mention the simple and very important fact that she was voted “Best Dressed Woman” when she was in her 20’s – back in 1954. Don’t get us wrong – she’s a very stunning woman – in the eyes of a 70 year old sex starved man.

A double-cheek-French-style-kiss greeting was made and after wiping his lips, Lindsay was introduced to Jingagings friends. And no, they weren’t fellow models or new recruits there to learn from a maestro. They were a mixture of men and women (who were married to the men so this element further prevented Lindsay’s chances of a night of pleasure) who averaged an age of 51.

A painfully polite session of conversation ensued which afterwards (about 32 minutes) turned to the topic of God, Christianity and how Lindsay was surely going to hell. Bugger.

How can one person be so, so, so, so, so (and one other) so unlucky in sex? It’s not as if he’s that ugly and even with the bulk of his mass, he can make women laugh (sometimes with him) – women love that don’t they?

So, instead of getting sexual gratification, Lindsay came away (in the form of very rudely saying he was going to the toilet and instead, bolting for the lift and panickly hailing the first cab he saw) with religious information. There’s a world of difference in practicing the art of conception (with contraception) than being preached about the immaculate conception – as you can see by the huge disappointment in his face here:



So, yet again, Lindsay’s efforts to re-lose his forever growing virginity have failed. It’s sad. It’s very, very sad. Never can you ever say that you’ve been to a crap party after reading this!

 

Location: Kuala Lumpur

We arrived back in Kuala Lumpur (KL from now on) three days ago for the second time. Things have changed a bit this time around though. We’ve opted to save a little cash (our budget of £20 a day each is absolutely and pathetically out of control, we’re spending at least £30 each and it’s hitting the bank balances hard – note to selves: write a Dear Bank Manager, You’re Amazing letter) and so we’re staying at Charlie’s Oompa Loompa village which comes in the form of The Tropical Guest House in the heart of the city.

No offence to any Oompas out there – we just can’t think of any other way to describe the smallest rooms known to man and woman kind – and living in these for 5 days and nights is bloody uncomfortable.

Not content with us having to suffer beds smaller than a shopping trolley, some mean divine force thought it funny to make us endure one last ditch at Lindsay practicing ice-skating as, tomorrow is the day of our Blades of Thunder Challenge. Oh no.

As you know, we’ve been busy as hell the last few weeks. What with Lindsay Tiger Balming his ass cheeks after too-many-to-count falls and doing other Challenges and drinking – obviously. We decided that now was the time (24 hours prior to the Challenge) to watch the Torvil and Dean Bolero video on YouTube.

Holy crap! There is absolutely no way that we could replicate anything that these majestic and angelic peeps displayed on ice so we’ve decided to interpret it – a cowards way out perhaps?

Two days ago we headed back to Sunway Pyramid to create and finalise our routine and, after numerous falls, we finally came up with a perfect 6.0, 6.0, 6.0… figure skating routine which, we timed, re-timed and timed again to work out at 3 minutes and 27 seconds. To anyone watching it would appear to indeed be a rather pathetically sh*t display of H20 acrobatics and grace, but with Lindsay’s appalling inability to stand, never mind move on ice, it’s the best we could hope for.

Then the day of the Challenge came. Nervous beyond comprehension so the two of us were and with the routine scheduled in at 14:45 hours we decided to head back to the rink for a last ditch attempt at making ourselves look less like time wasting twats and more like simple idiotic fools.

We met with our friend Jenny (aaaaaaaaaaaah Jenny) the gorgeous and heavenly sent ice teacher. She showed us how to extend our legs properly for some of the more “adventurous” manoeuvres and for Lindsay, how to stand more than his current 42% success rate.

14:45. Sh*t. We rushed in to the toilets (glamorous so this 101 Challenge malarkey is you know) and stripped naked to allow us to fit in to the tightest dress (Lee obviously) and the tightest lycra-like trousers and belly flashing top (Lindsay). Now, with the looks of Jane and Chris replicated almost perfectly, it was time to strut our stuff and Bolero our asses like an ass has never been Bolero’d before.

The rink was cleared exclusively for our use – much to the confusion, frustration and bewilderment of the on-looking fellow ice-users and on-looking shoppers.

Silence. Deadly and haunting silence. The lights went down and the crowd looked on. Desperate for some action, a thousand eyes were glaring at us and almost instantaneously we both became desperate for the toilet.

Then, the music blared through the shopping mall’s million watt sound system like thunder and all of a sudden (as if it surprised us) we were expected to dance, prance and more importantly, stay upright for our routine.

Again, and sorry about this, we can’t divulge any more details about the Challenge because it would spoil it for the telly, but, let us tell you this… we bloody rocked that place! The show comes out on the first Sunday afternoon in November on Channel 4 – make sure you watch it.


Huge thanks go out to all the staff of Sunway Pyramid who went out their way to accommodate us and showed the patience of absolute saints throughout. A further thanks and hello goes out to Cynthia (the marketing executive for the place) and Jenny (the miracle working ice trainer) who not only helped us so, so, much but are absolutely stunning. If any of you two read this, Lindsay’s happy for Japanese Rachel to become a Malaysian Cynthia or Jenny.

In preparation for this challenge, we both gave up alcohol – in order to be focused in both the mind and the body for what was ahead of us. Lee lasted 5 days before succumbing to the demon drink. With the skating now behind us and with our bodies exhausted, Lindsay, on his 7th day of wagon-ness, celebrated this self-accomplishing milestone by… getting pissed!

Location: Langkawi - Malaysia

Today we started and completed the Rice Revelations Challenge. At about 07:15am (otherwise known as silly o’clock) this morning, we pulled ourselves from our beds and, after a very quick fried eggs with toast and a coffee breakfast, we headed off to meet with Mark and get the challenge underway.

8am (not as silly as silly-o’clock but still bloody early when you’re on your holidays) and we found ourselves at the doors of the Laman Padi rice fields and at the disposal of the lovely Nor Farni who’s the manageress of the place.

She explained all the procedures of rice making and the history and traditions etc… we took as much of this in as we could before Lindsay inadvertently shouted that he wanted to have a go on the Water Buffalo.

With education time rudely cut short, Nor Fani took us out into the fields and we met the Rice People – them who make rice – and what a bunch of amazingly friendly and chirpy and chatty folks they were.

So… to cut a long story short, we attempted to plough some fields, planted some saplings out of line with the beautifully straight saplings the workers had placed, cut and thrashed some grown plants, sieved the padi, and grinded out some lovely white rice. Even though it was all educational – we had the time of our lives. Great fun, and God surely must be looking down at us with a smile – knowing that we’ve just put food in to someone’s belly. Maybe yours?

Apparently, the price of rice has risen 40% since March the 5th this year. After we buggered up 3 or 4 fields, expect it to rise another 3% over the next 3 months in Malaysia alone. Whoops.

Noon-time came and with it, so too did our arrival at Langkawi airport. After a very nervous pre-departure wait, Lindsay finally boarded our 3rd Air Asia flight in the last 2 weeks – holding tightly on to his older brother's hand.

Today’s in-flight music was mainly Pink – Get the Party Started and some more up-beat funky tunes. We sped down the runway and in typical 7-year-old-girly fashion, as soon as the front wheel of our 737 left the ground, Lindsay began screaming and sweating and jumping about. Very embarrassing for all.

There were a few judders on the initial incline but nothing out of the ordinary in Lee’s opinion (and the opinion of every other person on board) but to Lindsay…………………………………

About 18 minutes into the flight, whilst we were cruising in between the soft and snowy white and puffy cute clouds over the North-West of Malaysia we did indeed hit a bout of turbulence. Emphasis on the word “a”.

The stunning air-stweardesses were handing Lee  a cup of coffee when the plane hit a massive rock in the skies. There was a deafening thud and the plane jumped and fell about 50 feet in half a second. Everything went flying and Lindsay threw himself into the foetus position (for some reason this makes everything ok) across the three seats he had to himself – no one would ever dare to put themselves through the unnecessary torture of sitting next to the pathetic, child-like, sweating oaf. Here’s a plane. Oooooooh;

Lee was then given a cloth by the still standing, still serving and still smiling hostesses and after a little dry up of his fold-away table, he sat back to continue reading his lovely in-flight magazine.

Lindsay ran to the toilet – this is surely the safest place to be when a) the plane’s jumping about the skies – he’d have more room to bounce around and could extend his arms and legs to afford a more stable and secure position, and b) he’s about to p*ss and crap himself.

45 minutes after take-off and we landed safely in Kuala Lumpur. Lee remained inside the airport to collect our luggage whilst Lindsay ran out of it quicker than light itself for some prayer-time and fresh air.

We hopped onto a bus to KL central and for only 9RM each (£1.50) we enjoyed a 50 minute smooth and relaxing, grounded road trip to the city centre. As we were walking along the hustly and bustly streets looking for a room for the night, we were approached by a lovely lady who mis-sold us a great little room in the heart of KL. For only 80RM between us we were offered a fantastic twin room with air-conditioning, hot water, laundry, breakfast included, linen/towel/shower gel provided, internet access, cable tv on an LCD screen and amongst another 472 things, a dvd collection. Brilliant!

Unfortunately though, the hot water was a communal toilet/shower room, the laundry we never had the time to try, the internet access wasn’t installed yet, the lcd cable tv was in a shared living room and the dvd collection consisted of Dream Girls or Sex and the City. Naturally, we said yes to this abode for the evening and handed over the requested figure of cash – Dream Girls… we could watch that on repeat for weeks and still get mentally and physically excited.

In all fairness to the Paradiso (116B Jalan Bukit Bintang 55100) bed and breakfast hotel/motel/guesthouse/hostel? the staff were absolutely fantastic and the linen/towel/shower gel were just divine.

Location: Langkawi - Malaysia

Not that much to report today. Filmed some introductions for E4 on the beach, without suntan lotion. As per usual when we film that sort of stuff it takes ages and we were both nicely reddened with the traditional farm tan look now taking hold. You know the one, brown or red from the neck up and from the wrists to the T-Shirt sleeves. Yeah we look great nude.

This look was enhanced as in the afternoon we toured the island on a moped with the sun always facing us. Langkawi is beautiful especially once you head up high and get a view of all the smaller islands that surround it. We do like this place it’s a bit sad to be leaving tomorrow.

Sadder yet is that this evening we had our last grilled chicken at The House restaurant and it will be quite some time before we can pick up such a healthy meal for £3. Never mind we will just buy vitamin supplements instead, sure you can live on them and water can’t you? With goodbyes said and promises to write into the Lonely Planet agreed we got a picture with the amazing staff and headed off before the tears showed.

Location: Langkawi or Thereabouts - Malaysia 

Up early we catch yet another boat to some island we now forget the name of. It is a national marina and has beautiful coral with an array of fishes and even sharks. Here we were to complete our By Crumbs Challenge which was given to us by Patrick O’Brien. This should have been simple, all we had to do was create a bread suit and then jump in the sea.

Our attempts at making a bread suit consisted of needle and thread, staples and then masking tape. All of which didn’t really work but we had done our best. A lot of people had gathered to watch us as we moved towards the ocean and one of the employees stopped us to warn us of sharks. That was nice of him.

 

Splash! We were in and the fish were at us in no time. There were thousands of them and they showed no fear. They nibbled at every orifice with some even biting our fingers, luckily they did not bite too hard or had no teeth because it wasn’t too sore but enough to freak us two out. They went for our bodies in huge numbers and they thrashed and bashed against our faces.

We screamed and wriggled and splashed about more than all the actors in Jaws put together and then we saw it. SHARK! 5 foot away from us there it was, the menace of the deep. It looked at us, we looked at it. We tried to stare it down for what must have been like oh a full 1.234 seconds before fleeing. It was massive and looked evil and swam after us trying to grab at our flippers and just as we pulled ourselves out of the water it took one huge bite out of Lee’s leg and he required 234 stitches.

Okay so the above is just like any other fishing story, a little elaborated perhaps. There was a shark we did flee, it didn’t bite and if truth be told it was only a couple of feet long. But would you have stayed in the water wearing a bread suit as it swam below you?

The challenge was great though and despite our crap suits the fish did swarm and go for us so it has to get the thumbs up. It was scary, it was funny, it was stupid, it was perfect.

On this day Lindsay also fell in love, 1.2.3 ah. He befriended a girl who worked on the tour to the marine park and they could not be pulled apart. She was there with her niece and to look at them all together it was like the perfect little pre-made family. She was a lovely wee lass and even Lee liked her.

Lindsay asked Lee's advice as to whether he should propose there and then. Lee told him not be stupid and pointed out that Lindsay has fallen in love nearly every day since being in South East Asia, each time with a different local girl. In fact he has on several occasions fallen in love more than once on the same day such is his attractions to the exotic locals.

Lindsay was adamant this was the one though but Lee reminded him of his search for his Japanese Rachael and he was brought back to his senses. Ah Rachael, the perfect woman whom he did not yet know but his heart was sure he would find. With this in mind he dropped his ready made family and plugged in his MP3 player.

Location: Penang to Langkawi - Malaysia

Early rise, we crawled to our awaiting cab. This may sound like a complete exaggeration but it is not that far off the mark. Our legs are goosed. The pain is excruciating with particular agony hitting surprisingly not the calves but our thighs. Each move we both make is accompanied by an 'ow', an 'argh' or to be honest usually a 'f**k'. Thankfully the cab is parked right outside and drops us of at the boat for Langkawi.

The boat trip to Langkawi is a nightmare. The air con is turned up (or down – don’t know which is correct) so much that even an Eskimo's winkle would shrivel. Lindsay has to leave the seat beside Lee and Mark and sit on his lonesome as he had a vent directly above him and was turning blue. On the upside he didn’t feel the pain from his legs at that stage.

Lee and Mark decided to watch a movie. The movie is called Teeth and is about a girl who has teeth in her vadge and it bites willies. Lindsay could hear the odd bit of laughter, the odd groan and the suspicious sound of rumblings and so decided to investigate. As the picture shows Mark is very nonchalant at the movie and Lee looks scared. But wait, is he scared or excited and where are his hands?

After a few hours we arrived in Langkawi and after 20 minutes of defrosting at the pier we each head to our accommodation, with Mark in some swanky Blah De Blah Resort and us in a Motel, yup not even a hotel, a bloody motel!

We decided not to do much tonight other than head to The House restaurant for our favourite grilled chicken. We left our motel at 4pm so we could arrive at the restaurant for 7pm, its not far it's just our legs are now seizing. In fact sometimes the thigh muscles don’t support us and the only thing that stops the legs from turning back in on themselves is the knee, which takes a hammering every time this happens.

The chicken was great as usual. We left the restaurant and headed home at 9pm……we got in at 12.