Any diarist worth his salt needs some good, big events to chronicle - fires, scandals and plagues are ideal. Ask Pepys - he had the Great Fire of London and the Black Death. I had the fire of Camden and the Norovirus.

One man's Pudding Lane is another man's Hawley Arms, and I can only imagine the scene that met the first fireman as he entered the pub - winkle-pickers everywhere, skinny jeans still smoking, the scent of faux-celebrity chat hanging in the burnt air. Those images will haunt him forever.

Monday:
Met the cast of new Bourne-meets-Matrix film, Jumper. Bourne-meets-Matrix is a somewhat misleading tagline, unless it's the end credits of Bourne Identity meets the rubbish bits of Matrix Reloaded. I really wanted to like the film but from the moment Hayden Christensen's character calls us - the audience - 'chumps', he really struggled to win back my affection.  
 
Hayden turned out to be a very handsome (in a generic, American, built-in-a-laboratory way) kind of guy. He spoke slowly and thoughtfully about his pot-bellied pigs that he owns and about his sister, the former indoor trampolining champion. I whispered 'chump' to him as I left the room – he got up and did a triple salko on my spine. Apparently it runs in the family.

Ran into Rachel Bilson's room - was introduced as Sarah-Jane, our presenter. I made some Wildean quip, along the lines that my name was actually James. Rachel smiled good-naturedly and half-laughed. I almost fainted and threw up at the same time. I think she's in love

Thursday 14th February:
Duffy came in on Valentine's Day - two birds, one stone. I didn't have a date and my joker of a postman was still refusing to give me my mail. So I thought, she's a beautiful song-bird from the Valleys, I like the Valleys, let's see what happens.

I'll tell you what happened. I wasn't allowed to watch the performance - I asked why, they showed me the petition. It all dates back to my habit of singing along with the guests - if they can't harmonise with me properly, they shouldn't be in the music industry.

I walk home past a pizza restaurant, with its windows all fogged up with barely suppressed lust as a roomful of couples gurn at each other over a sloppy giuseppe. I gave some fairly serious thought to throwing myself down a well

Friday:
Our board in the office which tells us about upcoming interviews reads simply: 'Colin Farrell in Bruges'. Isabel (my producer) and I did a celebratory dance (including the worm) and announced to the office that we were off to Belgium and we'd see you LOSERS in a week.

On closer inspection, In Bruges turns out to be a crime-caper starring Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson set in Bruges. I wormed out of the door without looking back

Monday:
Sat around in the press room at Soho Hotel with our presenter Rick, waiting to interview Farrell and Gleeson. Rick insists on introducing me as 'The Anvil' because I'm heavier than I look. When shouted across a crowded room and heads turn to see who this 'Anvil' is, they don't expected to see a scrawny Indie version of Tim Henman.

Someone comes out of the interview room saying how Colin Farrell looks like he's from a Greek myth, and how the rest of us men have got no chance. Speak for yourself I think. I catch myself in the mirror and see I've got Marmite on both ear lobes. Sexy.

When we finally got in there, Brendan and Colin were charming. After I'd told Colin that E4 was a family channel, he only swore 27 times - 14 F's, 8 C's, 4 B's and a very inventive X.

Tuesday:
Get jumped by four men as I walk out of my Capoeira class. My martial art instincts immediately kicked in as I aimed a series of devastating roundhouses inches above their heads. However, without a tasty Samba beat, the art of Brazilian dance-fighting is no match for its Anglo-Saxon cousin, the pub brawl. I was dealt a terrific mauling.

Will James get his face in order for next week when he meets Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson? Will he and Hayden Christensen ever bury their differences? Will he ever be able to truly trust semi-retired mimes called Clive after last time? Find out in the next thrilling installment.