101 Challenges:

Getting on to Japanese telly sounded like a piss easy Challenge. Let's face it - we're two twats from the UK - Big Brother lets 12 or sometimes 13 of us on to their show every year. This isn't a deliberate slagging match with Endemol - it's just a bitter taste that Lindsay has in his mouth when it comes to the fly-on-the-wall series that somewhere along the line, lost itself. Maybe a little bitter slagging then?
 
You see, if you were to open a new web browser right now and visit the Google website and then type L I N D S A Y    V I N E (capital letters or baby ones are optional - it all works!) then you'd see that Lindsay tried to get on Big Brother a few years ago.
 
The numerous accounts of his amazing application, performance and free-willingness to make a complete arse out of himself in the name of "entertainment" completely missed the point of his oh-so-near media triumph. Rather than mentioning that he was a gorgeous and green eyed Scottish star in the making - every press worker decided to show that he was merely a monkey. A stupid monkey. No mention whatsoever of his sie or girth. At least, on the upside, he wasn't as stupid as the 13 monkeys that appeared on the show that year.
 
Anyhoo, after being bitter about the show for the first 5 episodes but then, like the rest of the nation, being overwhelmingly compelled to watch it 27 hours a day for 9 months, Lindsay left his anger and resentment behind him - for now it was time to be king of telly. Japenese Telly. The Gaijin Games Challenge.
 
Now, you'd think that two absolutely gorgeous and charming Scotsmen would be able to lure themselves without any problems in to any telly studio and on to the main stage of any Asian TV show. We certainly thought this unti, well, until we were turned down by every security guard Japan has in its arson against Western Tellyrists (we liked that one too - it's ok to smile).

First stop was Studio Alta - the home of Japanese telly - if Richard and Judy were to record their cult classic "This Morning" anywhere other than the UK, then the grande ole studios of Alta would be the place of choice - in downtown Tokyo.
 
Our first approach was to simply go along and blag it. If anyone ever tells you to try and blag something, don't waste your time - security gaurds don't like blagging and security gaurds, who don't speak or understand a word of English seem to get rather pissed with a persons attempts at the art of blag.
 
Refused. Straight and simple.
 
Second approach (God loves a trier - well that's what Mummy always says after every single one of Lindsay's failed dates) seemed to go well until its execution. Talking crap never worked the first time, so maybe a nice letter would?
 
Off to the shops we hopped - a nice and jovial, slightly girly hop, but never-the-less a great hop - to get ourselves a nice little postcard. Surely nothing would impress a telly producer so much more than a card intended for posting? After writing a jolly good and full-hearted message on its back, we popped it into a nice and beautifully blue envelope and delivered it in person. How bloody nice are we?
 
It turns out - not so nice - and in our further efforts - bigger knobs than we thought we could ever be. Said envelope was rudely crushed by the cruel and evil security man and forced back in to our hands!
 
But we were too clever - far too clever... we just lobbed the thing back at him and ran - surely it'll make its way in to the hands of the producer guy person?
 
We'd love to tell you more but as we've said before, the telly folk at Channel 4 have our Mum in a dingy cellar in Norfolk this week and are doing incredibly unmentionable things to her with a 4 year old chicken, an industrial sized tin of mustard and 15 "items of interest" confiscated by customs at Heathrow Airport, Terminal 2, between October and November 2005. Sick b*stards!
 
Mum - we've told the Police. Be strong. Think of us to give you strength!