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The cockerel has crowed – literally! A real cockerel has just crowed – and that means today the time has come for a fight! And bosh! Vivienne has been decked, whalloped in fact, and she’s picking straw out of her mouth. Charlotte’s not so much of a “haymaker”, but a hay breaker! A comical sight indeed seeing the diminutive Amy taking on the Amazonian Venetia!

So, after getting a beating from Amy “The Life Ender” Yamazaki, the script deals Venetia another blow because it tells her to stomp off. Written down that doesn’t sound so bad, admittedly, but in reality that means Venetia has to walk about 500 metres per take. Fatigue must have set in because in one take Venetia didn’t bother with the hike. It’s fair she learned her lesson from this misdemeanour after director Ian D. Fleming hit her with this vocal salvo, “Do that again and you’ll in for it!” By the end of this scene, complete with retakes and filming various angles, Venetia’s probably walked a marathon!

After Ian “Flemmo” Fleming’s “innocuous” threat, PJ lightens the mood with an impromptu version of Lady Gaga’s ‘Bad Romance’. If ever PJ’s acting career falls to the wayside, well, he’s got a job for life in cabaret performance!

We’re back at Knowsley Hall (the French bunkhouse), it’s breakfast time and Venetia (Vivienne) is winding up PJ something rotten in anticipation of their characters’ forthcoming “make out” session! Venetia has promised PJ she will eat many, many garlic bulbs to add an extra flavour to their big kiss later on. In retaliation, PJ has said he’ll smoke nine cigarettes. What a lovely couple!

Whether it’s the fact that Venetia and PJ secretly want to be in good shape for their saucy snog or maybe they’ve both been watching Mr. Motivator reruns, I don’t know, but Venetia and Peej (PJ) are warming-up.

Actually, it becomes apparent why Venetia’s bending like Stretch Armstrong and that’s because tomorrow her character has a fight scene with Amy (Charlotte). Venetia doesn’t want to be pulling any muscles and by the looks of things, she won’t be pulling any punches either! She seems well up for a ruck!

Amy’s pretty sure Venetia would beat the living daylights out of her and, what with the height difference of about a foot, we wouldn’t bet against it! Even Elliot thinks he’d get beaten to a pulp by Venetia…

During our lunch today (yes, while people are eating and everything), the subject of poo comes up in conversation. Venetia has a story! She’s a lady though, so it would be ungentlemanly to divulge her tale...

Talking of quotes, American comedian W.C Fields once said, “Never work with kids and animals”. W.C Fields obviously foresaw the perils of working on Freshers! In our next scene a flock of sheep are disturbed when the cast play a spot of volleyball, so Elliot has a “baa-off” with them. The sheep win. Then a mob of kids disturb filming with this gem, “Corrie’s better ‘den Hollyoaks!” What a charming young man!

We head to a more serene setting by the lakeside to take a few pics of the gang playing volleyball. There’s a hell of a lot of fog on the lake so I’m not sure how summery and/or French these photos are going to look, but still, it’s always funny to see actors trying their hand at sport!

Today’s blog comes once again a la Knowsley, France’s best-kept secret…

And just to complete the French facade, the sun has raised its beautiful scorching head. It’s so hot that whilst I’m walking through the manor grounds I start to see things. In fact, I think I see a camel. Am I having some sort of mirage? Nope! That’s definitely a camel! Don’t fear! We know camels aren’t French natives - their on set loitering is not down to us - no, apparently Knowsley Hall is next to a safari park, which sort of explains things!

It’s so blimmin’ warm - bear with me! I’ll stop talking about the weather soon! - it’s tempting to take get in the shade underneath the shelter of the trees. At least, I would place myself in the shade of the trees had the Freshers’ boys not relieved themselves in that very spot. Cheers lads.

Due to the adverse weather conditions walking back to base is not an option, so myself and Sunny decide to hitch it back to base. Of course, I don’t condone hitchhiking, but, you know, needs must! So Sunny flags down a 1970s French Citroen – well, we are in “France”.

As mentioned in an early blog, Jess Forrest (Leanne) has had many a woe, well, now, as we make our way to Knowsley Hall (which is doubling up as a bunkhouse in France), it appears that Jess isn’t the only pained person. PJ (Doug) tells me he’s “falling apart”.

Reasons why PJ is falling apart:
•    He’s had to buy contacts because his eyes have been irritable.
•    He’s got cuts on his heels.
•    His pinky* is hurting.

*American for “little finger”

PJ’s pinky pain has come from having to chase a chicken (no, that’s not a euphemism)! He, inexplicably, clung on to a stinging nettle and “screamed like a girl”. PJ’s so worried about the nettle sting he’s Wikipedia-ed his ‘condition’. Oh dear!

I clock Venetia (Vivienne) and discuss why she’s going to have a stunt double on set today. Is it for some over the top Jean-Claude Van Damme style explosion? No, the stunt double’s merely here to drive a van. Boooo!

Today we travel to the paradise on earth that is Warrington, aka France. Yep, I’m destroying the magic, but all our scenes set in rustic vineyards and the like? Yep, they were really set ooop in’t the north of England. Don’t tell Elliot (Dave) though. He seems to think we’re in Cannes or something because he takes his top off within a matter of seconds of stepping off the mini-bus.

More examples of our lies:
•    The design team physically attach grapes to the vines because we’re filming out of season.
•    Some berries on display are actually just painted balls of plastic.

So, we’ve Alex constantly in his pants, Elliot getting his kit off and now Amy and Venetia (who plays new character Vivienne) are practising a bit of a love scene with each other. Is it sexy’o’clock or summat!? Clearly Ian D. Fleming reckons so, “Yeah, Venetia, can you show us your bum quicker?”

Disgusting.

It’s a mammoth journey to get to our filming location today. Ok, it’s not that mammoth. It’s about a twenty second journey away. I could have walked it, but then I wouldn’t have been privy to Alex Carter’s permanently perky face then would I? So, after probably contracting deep vein thrombosis due to the awfully long distance travelled, we arrive at a restaurant round the corner.

As we wait for the crew to set up, the lovely owners of the restaurant make us a brew. Aw! Hopefully the cup of tea will have warmed Alex Carter (Lee Hunter) up a bit because, guess what, he’s in his boxer shorts again! I’m starting to think the script writers have it in for him. Either that or they just really, really like his pins.    

Away from the cameras and there’s mild drama! A mirror is falling from a bathroom wall when, from nowhere, the boom operator flies into action and saves Alex from Final Destination/Hollyoaks-esque style death! Well done that man!

It seems slapstick incidents are attracted to Alex like a moth magnetised to a light because Alex’s next scene, as the madcap Lee Hunter, involves spilling a pint on himself.

•    Amount of times a drink has been spilt in Freshers thus far = 2 (The other character befallen to a bev was PJ during the HCC Open Day.)

•    On set tip: Do not start to eat a biscuit when the cameras are rolling. The incessant crunching of a cookie may annoy the crew.

After the calamitous Carter finished his scenes, Jess (Leanne) arrives on set with the bombshell, “I can’t make a hotpot!” And she calls herself a Lancashire girl!? Unbelievable. This is just unbelievable.

Time to get excited… Why? The sun has come out! The sun cream has too… Seriously -In England - Sun cream! Actually, it’s so ruddy hot that Bianca’s cajoling me into asking the mini-bus driver Paul to take us to the world famous Nicholls of Parkgate ice cream shop. With the thought of director Ian D. Fleming without a cast entering my mind I decide that perhaps we should just stick to getting ice cream from onsite catering instead. Booooorrrrrrrinnnnnnnng!

When I find Bianca again later she has some very distressing news - after escaping Flemmo’s festival fortress, Alex and Jess went to Nicholls ice cream shop without Bianca! I think I see a tear fall from Bianca’s beautiful face. The poignancy of this exact moment in time is striking.

Never wanting to see a lovely lady upset I try and distract Bianca from Alex and Jess’s wrongdoing. We play the game of facts!

Facts come courtesy of Bianca Hendrickse-Spendlove (they may or may not be true!):
•    “Big Macs are so sweet that without gherkins they’d be counted as a desert.”
•    “Green apples neutralise bad breath.”
•    “There’s an underwater lake in Mexico.”
•    “Silver takes away the taste of smoke and onion.”
•    “Inhaling a teabag also takes away the taste of smoke.”
•    “Sharks can’t get cancer.”
•    “Sharks can’t swim backwards.”
•    (Point of conjecture) “Your eyes will pop out if you sneeze without having your eyelids closed.”

This fact comes courtesy of Lyn, the Freshers make-up artist:
•    “Hugh Grant’s middle-name is Mungo.”

Back on location in the Sunshine Peninsula today and the first thing I see upon arrival is a bucket of poo! However, it’s ok; I’m later informed that this mucky mess is actually a prop consisting of a mix of flour and gravy. Well, it wouldn’t be a festival without a poop prop would it? Inevitably, the video blogs descend into toilet humour. We all delight in seeing Alex being locked in a portaloo and hear the occasional scream of, “I want me mammy!” With the lovely thought of portaloos in our minds we head to lunch…

Between poo stories, lunch and sunbathing the guys actually rehearse a little. I know! Who would have thought it!? Charlotte, Dave and Jamil film a few scenes sans PJ, so I take this opportunity to bond with him. I make such an impression that he tells Bianca I’m his “homeslice”. I have no idea what this means.

Fact for Freshers fact fans:
•    PJ, who plays Doug, was named after a local priest, Father Patrick Joseph. However, from a young age, was then called PJ. His brothers have since told him to change his name back to Patrick Joseph, but PJ’s having none of it!

We’re on location again today. This time round we’re on our way to the sunshine peninsular to film music festival scenes. Joining us for the ride over the River Mersey are Jess (Leanne), Olivier (Trent) and Bianca (Texas). It seems the mini-bus isn’t good enough for Alex (Lee) though, oh no! He makes his own way over in his convertible “hairdresser car” (thanks for the apt description, Olivier!).

Olivier’s musing mind is far from Miami, or Liverpool for that matter, in fact, it’s somewhere south of the Equator. You see, he’s listening to the soundtrack of 1986 film, The Mission, a movie about the experiences of a Jesuit missionary in 18th century South America. (Oh yeah, I’ve been on Wikipedia!). It’s taken us about an hour of pain, of suffering, of listening to actors’ anecdotes to get here, but by gosh we got here! And it was worth it… Festival fun!

Myself and Olivier go in search of the second unit. As per, instead of just asking someone where this lost unit could be, we wander. It’s a big festival site too, so perhaps this was not the best idea ever!

We finally find the second unit. Hallelujah! Praise be to the heavens because the lovely Bianca insists I appear in her video blog. It’d be rude not to! I even waiver my usual supporting artiste appearance fee. So, in my scene I mix it up with a few extras in the background. I actually get a bit carried away with the moment and start having a full on conversation with my fellow budding actors. I feel a new career beginning…

So we’re on set again… and it’s B and B (Beth and Bianca)’s turn to film their scenes. Bianca’s certainly ready for her lines – her taxi arrived early so she’s been in work since 6.45am! She got in before the milkman! Anyhoo, India and Texas have a barney and Flemmo (director extraordinaire) declares the scene “a work of genius”.

So for these scenes Beth, as India, has to work up an unstoppable rage. Of course, Flemmo’s on hand to show Beth what real anger should look like – he hurts his hand in the process. Ooops! I have a word with Beth and tell her I’ve never seen her angry, like, ever, but she reassures me she has had her moments.

It’s lunch! Time flies by when you’re being regaled with tales of angry moments! Naturally, lunch ain’t any old pie and chips at Hollyoaks – no, our lunch consists of a Wiley main course! And who wouldn’t wanted to spend an hour at midday watching the “godfather of grime” performing on the patio of The Dog and the Pond?

Yep, ok, this is kind of a weird lunch hour and the weird-o-meter is cranked up a notch when Dominique (Lauren Valentine) and Jorgie (Theresa McQueen) sidle up against me and have a boogie to Wiley’s performance of his latest hit. The weird-o-meter is on the verge of exploding when I notice Jorgie is wearing a fake pregnant belly! Then Jorgie tells me that her nickname for me is Earthworm Jim. Boom goes the weird-o-meter!

Back in the wacky world of Freshers and Alex and Jess are supposed  to be practicing lines outside of Il Gnosh in Hollyoaks village, but instead Alex is practicing his Wiley impression, which, I guess, is similar to practicing lines… maybe?