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Picking Up Benny
By Daniel Lovett
Scene: A living room. Two brothers are sat bathed in the light of the TV set. The air between them is stale. The older brother, Frank, is strewn on the sofa whilst the younger, Mike, scribbles incessantly onto his notepad.
Frank: (Sniffing) You ever just sat there and realise you can smell you own balls?
Mike: …And I’m going out.
Frank: You’re supposed to make dinner. What am I going to tell Mum?
Mike: Tell her to eat a dick. I’m going out Mike thrusts his notebook into a rucksack and leaves the room.
Frank: (To himself) That’ll be nice for her Scene: Crash’s kitchen. Crash, one of the new breed of middle class dealers operating out of the family homestead, is cooking an omelette in a frying pan and humming to himself. He goes to the fridge for some cheese then returns to the hob. He looks up and, startled by Mike’s face at the window jolts the pan, spilling hot oil onto himself.
Crash: (In pain) Shit! Mike enters through the backdoor laughing
Mike: Alright?
Crash: (Put out) Oh yeah, cracking mate. Pass me that towel.
Mike: (Handing him the tea towel) I can’t stay long. You got any in? Crash inhales sharply
Mike: Was that a (mimics inhaling sharply) as in I’m dry or a (mimics inhaling sharply) as in my chest feels like Gordon Ramsey’s face looks?
Crash: No that was a (inhales sharply) as in “I can’t believe Mikey’s just rolled up here to pick up for the first time in months without so much as a “how’s it going” Crash?” “You look great Crash”. “I hear your pretty good in the sack Crash”.
Mike: Sorry mate. Bit of a heavy one today. Jess finished with me
Crash: So I’ve heard. Bad times.
Mike: How did you hear? We broke up this morning and it’s only four now.
Crash: She changed her online status from “In a relationship” to “Single” last night. It’s the miracle of the modern age my friend. The internet knew you were going to get dumped before you did Mike pauses
Mike: Brutal Crash: You think that’s bad? My brothers just found out he’s got the Missus pregnant.
Mike: Again? Shit Crash, he’s only twenty. That’s three now.
Crash: I know. I keep telling him to book her an appointment with Dr Stairs but he won’t listen
Mike: (Unsure how to react) Soooo….er…spliff?
Crash: Yes mate. I just need to go see my man to restock the shop. Just let me finish cooking and we’ll go. Keen?
Mike: He going to be alright with me coming up?
Crash: Graves? To be honest Mikeyboy I doubt he’ll even know you’re there. He called me earlier today ranting about a dwarf or something. I think he’s on the tail end of a pretty heavy K-binge
Scene: Int. of Crash’s car. Crash drums his fingers incessantly on the dash as he drives. His phone keeps ringing but goes unanswered
Crash: Graves better be in. Got a lot of eager consumers out there
Mike: I just want to get home, skin up and spend the rest of the night doing fuck all. At least now I’m single again I can finally lift the embargo on my lungs.
Crash: Beautiful. So how’s the comic book coming on?
Mike: It’s not a comic Crash. It’s a graphic novel. Crash: Well how’s that going then?
Mike: I dunno mate. It’s hard to do something that’s going to matter. Im trying to make people think or at least make people laugh.
Crash: Well you’ve got one up on my brother. He just seems to want to make people. Crash pulls the car into a parking spot outside of a block of flats. They both exit and walk up to the main door. Crash rings the buzzer
Graves: (Over the telecom) Hello?
Crash: Graves, its Crash mate. I need to come up and see Madge, you know?
Graves: (Sounding trashed) There’s no Madge here pal. Wrong buzzer
Crash: No Graves, its Crash. (Speaking slowly) I-NEED-TO-SEE-MADGE. ABOUT-THOSE-CABBAGES? YOU-KNOW?
Graves: (Confused) Na mate. No cabbages here. You’ve got the wrong buzzer.
Crash: (Frustrated) Of for f-GRAVES! I need YOU to sort ME out with some MARI-PISSING-JUANA! Crash realising how loud his voice has gotten turns around to see an old woman tutting in disapproval
Crash: (To the woman) Evening The buzzer goes and Crash and Mike go in through the door
Scene: Graves Flat. It is in severe disarray with most of the furniture piled up against the bedroom door. Graves, dressed in a robe, paces around nervously. He switches from walking like gravity has become far too strong a force for him to darting sporadically from one foot to the other. He goes to the door and unbolts it. Crash and Mike enter.
Crash: Graves my man. How’s tricks?
Graves: (Flusteres) Bad. Really bad. But also good. Really good.
Crash: (Reservedly) Sounds Banging. Graves, this is my long term companion Mr Michael Doves
Mike: Alright mate
Graves: (Ignoring Mike) So you’ve come to see the goblin?
Crash: Graves you look like a boot. When was the last time you slept? Graves: What day is it today?
Crash: Tuesday
Graves: Four days Crash: Jesus graves, have you been cooking K fresh again? This place reeks of melted burger box. How many pans did you get through the last time you got this twisted?
Graves: Fuck the pans. Fuck the K. I’m trying to outbalance it with a little bit of Mandy. It’s the only way. The only way…
Crash: Uhuh. So Graves I need half a key. Been a busy week.
Graves: (Noticing Mike) Who’s this?
Crash: (Taking the piss) Oh I’m sorry Graves how could I forget. This is Steve.
Mike: (Unsure but smiling) Im…Steve?
Graves: What’s so funny Steve?
Mike: Nothing. Nothing at all.
Crash: Er…Far be it for me to question your methods Graves but why is most of your furniture lodged against your bedroom door?
Graves: The goblin man. I went to get some more leccy this morning and I found it just wandering around outside.
Crash: And it’s in your bedroom?
Graves: I needed to study it further
Mike: Naturally
Graves: I think he’s the first of his kind
Crash: Well you seem pretty busy with that Graves so if I could grab that half kilo from you?
Graves: No weed today. It’s all in the bedroom with the goblin. It’s his habitat now. Undisturbed.
Crash: Graves, no-one appreciates the need for a sustained environment for all the creatures of the world more than me. But right now I’ve got a lot of dry customers in need of replenishment
Graves: I’m not going in there. The teeth on it Graves moves into the living room
Mike: Haunting.
Crash: Alright I’m going to get my stuff from Graves' room. Go sit with him in the front room for a bit. Make him some tea. Just don’t let him know I’ve gone in his room.
Mike: Is he going to be alright with you getting self-service?
Crash: Graves? Yeah he’s fine. I’ll just leave the money in his drawer. He’ll find it when he’s less mentally delicate.
Mike: What do you thinks in there?
Crash: Knowing Graves? Nothing. I once saw him knock back three handfuls of pills like they were smarties then run around his flat pretending he was a bee. He just gets a bit twisted every now and then. Especially when he’s on Ket.
Mike: Well I’m glad we’re having tea together then Mike leaves to deal with Graves as Crash begins to move the furniture from the doorway. He manages to pull the door open just enough to see inside. He looks into the room and then double take. His face drops in shock at the sight before his eyes
Crash: MIKE!!! Mike and Graves come running
Graves: (To Mike) Who’s Mike Steve? (Noticing Crash’s head in the door) I told you not to go in there! You’ll disturb the goblin
Crash: (Stunned) That is not a goblin Graves. He throws the door open to reveal a boy with Downs Syndrome playing on Graves’ Playstation.
Crash: That is Benny Marks. His mum works up at the school you fucking idiot
Mike: (Going to leave) You know I think I’ll wait in the car. It was nice meeting you Graves. (Nodding at Benny) Benny.
Graves: Bye Steve Benny: Bye Steve
Scene: Int. of Crash’s car parked outside Benny’ house an hour later. Mike is in the passenger seat with his head in his hands. Benny is sat in the back looking pissed off
Crash: ..So when your Mum asks why you got home so late?
Benny: You saw me at the shops and asked if I wanted to go bowling
Crash: And you said…?
Benny: Yes for a tenner
Crash: (Misunderstanding) No. You said yes I’d love to
Benny: No. It’ll cost you a tenner
Crash: No you said-
Mike: Christ! (Pulling out a note) There’s a fiver Benny. Call it quits? Ben takes the money and leaves the car
Benny: (Muttering) Wankers. Crash: Language! (To Mike) And they’re supposed to be God’s little clowns Mike looks at Crash in disbelief
Mike: You ever wonder how we’re friends? There is a pause. Crash checks his mirrors then pulls away only to slam on the breaks
Crash: Fuck!
Mike: What? Crash I forgot the weed. You coming back to Graves’ or do you want a lift home?
Mike: I think I’ll walk
SCENE
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