How To Be A Commissioning Editor

So you want to be a comedy commissioning editor?

Okay, so the competition may be closed, but you're still interested in the varied and exciting life of television comedy, right? As noted elsewhere on this site, being a commissioning executive in comedy is extremely difficult. Even for a fictional one like me. The important thing to remember is... make sure you secure your bonus. Coming up with ideas for multimedia, 360 degree projects is just one way of ticking that box.

But if you, the voting public, want to act like commissioning editors then you're going to need some pointers. After all, we can't risk you getting it wrong when you start voting for your favourite shows in multimedia, 360 degree projects like our Interactive Comedy Festival, can we? So, although iComFest is over for another year, we're leaving these tips online for you, just in case we decide to do it again next year.

There's a famous quote from William Goldman's Adventures In The Screen Trade - 'nobody knows anything'.

So it's vitally important you come across at all times as if you don't know anything.

The Look

The way you dress is critical - and sets you apart from the crowd. Thus, if you are a boy, you must decide whether to dress like Christopher Eccleston as Dr Who, or David Tennant as Dr Who. Leather jacket and jeans or charity shop suit - it's up to you. If you are a girl - sorry, it's dungarees only.

All comedy commissioning editors wear glasses, in order that they might affect a slight intellectual quality. Gok Wan does a good line in media-friendly frames or, again, the charity shop is your friend.

The Lifestyle

Because you are a comedy commissioning executive, you must never use public transport or walk. Your assistant will be able to book cabs and charter planes where necessary.

No assistant? Get one, quick! You need someone to order expensive coffee and collect it for you.

You will need plenty of gadgets. Probably an iPod, with some speakers. Definitely a Blackberry and a PSP, because you can't not be connected and/or bored. And some kind of folding bike, because you're 'quirky' and 'green'.

The Job

Not as important as the look or the lifestyle, actually doing the job is nevertheless a necessary evil. Here are your top criteria:

You must have, at the very most, previously worked as a researcher on a popular long-running show like Have I Got News For You. If you have too much experience, you will lack the necessary 'distance' required to commission objectively.
If you don't have the power to actually commission a show, pretend.
If you do have the power to actually commission a show, immediately cancel all the shows commissioned by your predecessor, particularly the good ones.
You must be one of those people who laughs at a joke two seconds after everyone else in the room has laughed. This is because you have carefully considered the validity of the joke.
You must to be able to encourage new writers. Why? Because encouraging them works out cheaper than actually paying them.
You must be able to encourage new performers. But under no circumstances go to see their live shows. This only encourages them.

Scripts

One downside of the job is that you are probably going to have to read a lot of speculative scripts from writers. It takes about half an hour to read a sitcom script, but always try to take at least twelve months. Other tips:

Bear in mind that when explaining why you're rejecting a script, those words will be firebranded into the writer's soul and may, one day, be etched into the casing of a bullet fired at you from a hidden sniper.
The best way to reject scripts is because 'they're not what we're looking for right now'. When asked what you're looking for right now, say you don't know.
Never, ever, under any circumstances, cast an actor unless they've appeared in Green Wing.
Demographics are important. You might not understand them, but bring them up whenever you're not getting your own way.
Remember, the secret of comedy is not writing or performances. It's about having great meetings.

Success & Failure

Always remember there is no such thing as a bad comedy show. It is merely 'yet to find an audience'.
The difference between success and failure isn't measured in ratings, it's measured by the review you get in The Guardian. Nobody remembers failures. So you can get away with anything.
If any part of a comedy episode makes you inwardly cringe, that's your golden moment for the trailer.
Always act surprised when the unfunny script performed by an unfunny cast turns out not to be a success.
Never act surprised when a show you commissioned turns out to be a success. You always knew it would be.
If a show is getting good reviews and you're not named as an executive producer in the credits, make sure they re-do the credits.
If a show's not working, shift it to one of your portfolio channels further up the digital EPG.
Don't worry if it's not going well. It's probably going even more badly for the other channels. They'll make you look good.

And Finally...

All comedy shows will get bad reviews, because all critics are bitter, failed comedy writers. Including, it would appear, the person responsible for all of the above.

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