Cook
No-one has a radio anymore and it’s not just cos they’re shit. It’s because there’s too many fools singing about love. People are animals but they’re smart enough to know when they’re being sold something that don’t exist. I don’t know what love is and frankly I couldn’t give a toss but I do know that most people confuse it with a lob on. Obviously if you’re trying to slip someone a cheeky digit it’s a lot easier to fool yourself cos everyone’s a romantic when they’re knuckle deep in lady pie.
Fair enough. It’s an easy mistake to make. I remember once I was giving it legs from some rubberfist doorman who may or may not have caught an elbow in the trachea for grabbing me by the bollocks. I turn a corner and this girl pulls me into a door way just as big boy burns past. The first thing I noticed about her was her forehead. And her tits as well. She had spectactular tits. We stooped under a bridge for a cheeky zoot and I tried to get her to knock me off but she was having none of it. I don’t think I minded. Fair play, she was alright.
We went down to see the boats near the big, shit clubs and sat by the fountain for a bit. I was taking the piss out of her accent ‘cos she was Dutch or Czech or something weird and she got her snooch in a twist about it so I said I was sorry. And I meant it. And it was weird. So I thought sod it, I’ll go in for the oral tango and gave her the text book James Cook breast brush and lean in but she put her hand over my mouth to stop me and then just kissed the back of her hand instead. She smiles at me like I’m winning, takes off her shoes and just climbs in the fountain. She wanted met to get in but it was massively cold so I tell her to fuck off so she just sits down in the water, laughing at me. I was thinking about leaving her there when two bullet trains pulled into Breastol Parkway. So I got in the fountain.
There are these two big panels in the fountain with water running down them that you can get inside if no-one’s about and she pushed me in between them. She looked into my eyes really hard which I wasn’t too keen on so I put my hand behind her head and we started going for it. Animal’s mate. Absolute animal’s. The water’s just pissing it down over us right, and we’re both drenched and it just felt…amazing.
There are these two big panels in the fountain with water running down them that you can get inside if no-one’s about and she pushed me in between them. She looked into my eyes really hard which I wasn’t too keen on so I put my hand behind her head and we started going for it. Animal’s mate. Absolute animal’s. The water’s just pissing it down over us right, and we’re both drenched and it just felt…amazing.
And I just start thinking about me and this girl and all the stuff we’re going to do and all the things I want to know about her and want her to know about me. I started thinking about us just staying in when it rains, getting lean, or taking her camping and banging her in a tent. Or in a field. Or a McDonald’s car park. And then there was just this…weird feeling in my stomach, like sick and happy all at the same time and I thought “shit”. I love her. You’re in love Cooky. You tit.
And I just came. Like a freight train. I tried to hide it but I must’ve hunched up a bit or something. Either way, she definitely noticed cos she just had this fucking horrible half-smile frozen on her stupid face. And I thought…it’s not really worth it is it? Not when you could be banging two girls in a tent. Or getting a handy through a drive-thru windown.
And she had a bit of a tache. See what I’m saying? People are animals.
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